Getting There!!!

Kara and I a couple of weeks ago ~ she was being very sweet and it makes me smile.

Well, in the footsteps of Tabitha (xxx), I've decided to just create another blog. Completely blocking the other one is just too hard ~ too many people that read don't have blogger IDs, so to those who have requested to be invited to my blog, I have added you to the new one.

From now on, this blog will be free from complaining, break downs and negativity:P That will be saved for A Mother's Wish. This one will be for our day to day (positive) stuff and to keep in touch with many via photos etc. I'm wondering how successful two will be ~ I'm slack with one lol.

So, on a positive note, there are 41 hours until my Princess is in my arms ~ getting squeezed, hugged, kissed, spun around and maybe even bitten :P The latter in a loving way of course.....

Unblocked

lol

I've had messages today asking why people can't read my blog. I've decided I'd like it to be private for the time being ~ a few reasons.

Soooo, if you would like to have access, can you please send me your BLOGGING email and I can then add you to a list.... it just means you have to log in to read. I don't want to lose touch with any of you!!!

Send it to fredbare@live.com.au

xx

Part Two :P

I'm sitting here with so much going through my head, so given I hardly blog anymore, I thought I'd just blog twice today instead. Maybe typing random things down will help. Maybe it will just make me more upset.

On days like today, when everything feels so hard, I tend to think about so many other things that are happening in my life. I shouldn't, because everything seems so negative but my thoughts just go there. I think about how little, financially, I have. I think about how I have no career since walking away from it when Kara was born. I think about how I wish to parent Kara, and of how for half of her life, I have no say about how she is parented. I think about how very alone I feel at these times. How there seems to be nobody, especially close friends, who understand where I'm at and how hard the past few years have been. How hard the present is. How hard it is to watch my girl be sad and feel so powerless. I realise just how very alone I truly am and it scares me. Especially on days like this. I wonder how things will ever change. I wonder if things will ever change.

All I want is happiness really. Foremost for my girl but then some for me too. I don't want to be so negative. I don't want to need my friends and feel like this when they're not there, for whatever reason. I just don't want to feel this anymore.

I Hate It :(

How all photos of Kara and I look..... she's crazy :)

My girl just left for 8 nights.... eight long nights and I am dreading this week like never before. I miss her already and am so worried about her. It's too long ~ especially for Kara.

She woke this morning and cried almost instantly. It took her a couple of seconds to realise it was Saturday and then we spent an hour on the couch snuggling. She told me she wishes she didn't have to go and as always, got upset when I told her she would be fine and have a great time.... I'm not sure why I bother even trying to comfort her really ~ she just gets angry with me and tells me I'm not the one going through it. But what else do I say?

We had a long talk the other night ~ I was trying to establish just how much of what Kara tells me is what SHE feels and how much is what she wants me to think she feels. In this situation, you're forever told that kids manipulate you and play games with you, so it's always in the back of my mind. Whilst I'm sure Kara does some of that, if all of what she tells me is fiction or for my benefit, I've got an author on my hands. At the end of the day, I'm her mum and if I don't give her the benefit of doubt and take what she has to say on board, I'm as bad as he who shall remain unnamed.

She's just so specific and so sad when we speak ~ I know she's not lying. Some of what she told me angered me more than you could imagine, but I had to sit there and just listen.... I don't want Kara thinking I can't handle anything she has to say. I want her to know she can tell me anything without fear of me 'losing it'. It makes weeks like this even harder though ~ knowing she's not happy and knowing why. Mothers are supposed to be able to comfort and protect their babies ~ it's living hell when that right is taken away.

One day, I hope to look over this blog and reflect on how difficult things were for my girl (and for me) but how she came through a happy, healthy teen/adult. I hope that what she's going through strengthens her and doesn't crush her. Like Kara, I live for the day when she has a say in how her life is lived (well, in most ways lol).

I hope she knows how much I love her and how I would change things if I could.

I just want my girl to be happy, whether that be at home or with her father.

(Rose, thanks for speaking so nicely of my blog to your sister and others ~ much appreciated :))

I Love It!!!

I was starting to catch up on some blogs recently (still haven't though.....) and I spotted a divine skirt on Aria.... I've given up on searching for one in Miss K's size AND I have vowed to stop buying things that Kara just doesn't need. Soooo, the next best thing is to try to make one :)

I have some gorgeous Oilily and spotty fabrics I want to use but thought it best to practice with other (less expensive) fabrics first. Kara has a thing for blue of late, so she helped choose these ones.

I'm so happy with it ~ it's adorable on and it's inspired me to finally get sewing again.



What do you think? Do you think it's too much?

See, She is a Miracle :P

I've always known it but this photo proves it LOL. I know it's blurred but Kara and I think the above pic is cooooool. I don't think I'd ever manage to snap that again....

The past week has been GREAT! I took Kara camping for three nights ~ it was at a caravan park which is 15 minutes away with showers, kitchens, fridges, pools etc... we had such a good time but I'm somewhat happy to be in my own room again. Having said that, the one on one with my girl was lovely. We swam, went on beach walks and played games for 4 days... bliss. There were arguments in there too lol but they seem to be daily with Kara at the moment. Her mind of her own seems to have taken on a whole new level.

I really don't want this three weeks (now two) to end. This is our last large block of time together for a while unless another miracle occurs ~ who knows... maybe 2009 will be the year for them.

Happy New Year to all of you lovely bloggers out there. I hope the next twelve months and beyond bring oodles of happiness and health.

xxx

Miss K enjoying the water....

New Year's Eve...

At the beach last night ~ the sky was AMAZING...Pinks and Purples.

Merry Christmas

.... and thank you for your constant support this year. You'll never know just what it means.

We've had a very busy week, as most have, and so I thought I'd post some pics. Kara and I have both been very spoilt and tonight, I feel so lucky to have the friends I have. Again, I don't think they know just how much they pull me through atm.

I'm almost scared to enter 2009 because of what it means for Kara but I am quietly hoping that I can do something to avoid more insecurity for her :)

So, here's hoping that you all have had a fantastic Christmas and that you've been able to spend it with somebody you love.

Juz ~ you made Kara's Christmas lol. That letter from Santa was the highlight of her week. She still can't believe she was at the top of the good list and that Santa knew her friends' names and her post code LMAO. It's so nice to have her exhibit so much innocence. Thanks for the link!!

My Princess at Carols by Candlelight ~ reading the words :)

Just after recieving her letter from Santa ~ she was just so so so excited. Adorable.

t

Kara begged to open one pressie on Christmas Eve and of course I caved... the Ikea Sagosten Turtle :)

Me and my girl today ~ I look BLAH, hence the black and white :P

I LOVE this photo ~ just because of Kara's excitement. I got her a bowling bawl as she's in a league and she's wanted one all year.

Playing on her keyboard from Santa ~ by far her fav gift.

How Much Is Too Much.

This post won't be as negative as some recent ones ~ I think I'm so drained atm, I can't even feel sad... not during this 10 minutes anyway. I'm so up and down.

I've been thinking a lot about something today and given that I can't sleep, thought I may as well blog about it. It takes my mind from wondering how Kara is momentarily.

During these times ~ by 'these' times, I mean the times when I just don't cope ~ I rely so heavily on the support of others. Funnily enough, a lot of that support comes via this screen and it's what saves me at 3am ~ I can just reread the comments/advice/kind words over and over. Lately though, I've relied A LOT on one friend in particular and today, more than the other days, it hit me just how much :( I then spiral into guilt about that and think how selfish I've been putting all of my sh*t onto somebody who has enough to deal with.

You know, more than anything I want to come to this blog and post about happiness, positive experiences, my gorgeous girl (without tears). I want my old normal to return. I just don't know how to get back to it when Kara is going through what she is. When I am missing her like I am.

I am so grateful for all of the support I get but I am also so sorry that I need to ask for it. I hope my friends understand that.

5 To Go

:(

I cannot believe it's only been two days. There are still 5 to go and it seems like weeks away. Leaving Kara in the circumstances that I did yesterday has just made everything so much harder ~ I suppose that was his intention. To run me into the ground.

I spent today at a friend's house and there were heaps of kids there. In one way, it provided a distraction which I find I need a lot of atm but in another, it's so hard watching them all play and thinking about how Kara is missing out. I just wanted her there so much. She would have loved it. To not know where she is. What she's doing. Who's she's with. If she's ok or if she's down ~ it's just so hard. The moment I get home and think about her, everything just feels like it's sinking. My chest feels a thousand times heavier. I miss her so much but worry about her probably even more.

I tried calling her but as usual, her phone has been turned off. She will only ring me when her father is in the shower or not within earshot ~ I really need to hear her voice. I need to know she's doing ok.

Why does it have to be like this? Why does he have to put me down in front of Kara to build a bond with her? Why does he want me to be so upset knowing it will affect the way I am with my girl? Why did I ever tell him I was pregnant?

I wish I was a stronger person.

Too Much. Too Hard.

Beware, I am not about to post an inspiring paragraph ~ I never do that but today will be even more depressing.

I love my daughter ~ let me start with that. Today I felt like I had to walk away from her when she needed me and I feel awful for it.

Let me also say that this week has been awful. This year has been awful. So much is coming to a head for me and today, I think, has just tipped me a little too far. If it was a one off incident, perhaps I'd be less tragic.

All this year, my beautiful girl has been in a bowling league. We have gone every wednesday night and she loves it. Today was her final game for the year and it was an 'all is welcome' event. The kids played and adults could also, and at the end, the league players got their trophies. For Kara, her first ever trophy.

She's been SO excited. There was a momentary lapse in happiness when she realised she would be with her father for it but she asked if I could go for the trophy presentation and I assured her I would. This was before her prick of a father's threats a couple of weeks back.

Well, I got the the centre and made sure I was well out of the way of Kara and her father and his LIVE IN BABYSITTER (who I have just been told was saying they would leave if I stayed BITCH). I wasn't there to cause trouble ~ I just wanted to be there for the trophy. I was speaking with some friends and up comes God's punishment to man kind. He asked to speak with me and I told him I was in the middle of a conversation, which I was. He then said that if I didn't leave immediately, he would leave and take Kara so she would miss out. I told him to grow up. I reminded him that he has always been invited to events such as today when Kara has been in my care. Always. He walked off.

Minutes later, my friend told me that he was leaving with Kara. She would miss out on her games and her trophy. I've also just been told he had this entire conversation with Kara sitting next to him.

HOW CAN HE BE ALLOWED TO DO THIS

Immediately, I called Kara over and tried to explain to her that I couldn't stay. I did tell her why. The last thing I want is for her to think I am not intersted in her life.

I feel awful. I feel like I can't do this anymore. What kind of a person threatens another with the emotions of their child? To walk away from today and have to leave my daughter with that man and his helper ~ to walk away when Kara wanted me there ~ it kills me. I had no choice though. The last thing I wanted was a scene in front of everybody and in front of Kara.

Do you ever reach a point in your life when you just don't want to continue? You just don't think you'll ever find the energy or drive.

I think I'm there.

It's So Hard.

Kara finished reception today and has gone to her father's house for a week.... it seems like she's already been gone for that long. I miss her so very much and just hope she's a little better than "ok" for the next 6 days. I hope she has fun and the time goes fast for her. I hope with all my being she knows how much I love her and how much I wish I was there to pick her up today ~ it was so difficult not to. She wanted me to go for the 'last reception bell' as she put it but I knew that would mean more tears from her and even worse for her, tears from me.

I will never get used to this ~ never. I hope with all my heart that she does.

I love you to the moon and back sweet girl. xxxx

One More Week

In one week, my girl will complete her first year of school. It has gone soooo fast. With that, comes activity after activity, meaning I've barely had a chance to catch up with the blogging world.

It's also been a rough few weeks and given the amount of negative blogging I've done of late, I thought it best to just stay away lol. Kara goes to her father's for a week next week and to say she's dreading it is a massive understatement. As for me, I need to get through this weekend first. She left crying and telling me she hates her father "so much" yesterday, so it makes the days go so much slower :(

On a positive note however, I have the most amazing support around me at the moment and on days like this, it makes me realise just how lucky I am. Thanks Moo :)

My Princess dancing in the rain at her class party

She's SO cute :)

Six Years Ago

I made a promise.

I looked into the most amazing little face.
I promised her I would protect her.
No matter what.
I promised her I would be there for her.
No matter what.
I promised her I would love her unconditionally.
No matter what.

Today I hurt so much for her.

I can't protect her.
I can't be there for her.
I of course love her unconditionally.

I'm so sorry baby.

I would do anything to keep all three promises.
Tears pour from me knowing I can't.
I just want my happy girl back.
I just want you to have your security back.

Never did I think we would be here.
In this space.
How can he do this?
And how is it allowed?

I'll keep trying Kara.

I'll never stop.

I promise.

x

And the Reason Is?

People often say everything happens for a reason. I've always had a problem with this saying. I disagree. I think there are some things that need not happen and the world would continue spinning in a more positive way.

So, where am I going with this? Three guesses.

Yes, I'm a broken record but this blog allows me to release so that's what I'm doing.

I've had a series of email exchanges with Kara's father tonight. Pointless really. They only ever validate what I think about him. He's a toe hair. He's selfish. He constantly attempts to lessen the bond I have with Kara. He is a waste of space. His new demand. I am not to attend anything that Kara has on when she is in his care. If I do, he won't take her. He is a massive control freak and he is threatened by the relationship we have. Don't get me wrong ~ I'm in no hurry to join social gatherings that he's at. BUT if my daughter has a school event, concert, party or whatever, why should her mother not be a part of that? How can 'shared parenting' work with such ludicrous demands? As much as I despise this man, I have always made a massive effort at events that we have both attended.

For two years I have tried to see the importance of Kara spending time with her father. I have read articles. I have spoken to other fathers ~ both nuclear and single. I have seeked professional advise to help Kara and myself deal with the massive changes that are occurring. I try to be positive about it all. Truly, I do.

But then he does what he does. He speaks me down to her. He makes her feel uncomfortable about phoning her Mum. He goes out of his way to paint me in a negative light to Kara. She, fortunately, sees through it all but it still hurts.

In the coming months, Kara will spend more time at her father's than ever before. She is extremely apprehensive about it all. She asks why it has to happen when he's not even there ~ why she just can't stay home with me. WHAT do I tell her? How do I tell my girl it's important for her to go even if her father won't be with her?

I miss my daughter so much. I worry about her even more. I keep hoping that she's already molded into the gorgeous person that she is and his influence will be minimal. I hope that whatever thoughts he throws at her won't break the bond we have.

I'm so scared.

Better Late Than Never

:(

I feel SO bad and have for a few days. It was the divine Em's birthday last Saturday, and whilst I thought of her all day, I got caught up in Kara's party preparations and forgot to blog that night. I wasn't going to blog after that, thinking I would look like a d*ck posting too late, but Em told me she like's d*cks, so here is the post LMAO.

Seriously though Em ~ I know you're birthday absolutely sucked but I'm glad you had a great night before it. I'm also glad the blogging world has made us cross paths ~ you're beautiful in every way and I can't wait to smuggle cocktails into Lollipops :P

Happy Belated Birthday!!!!

xxx

Gulp

I know ~ I brag about Kara a lot. There are many reasons for it though. Sure, she's not perfect (to anybody else) but to me, she is. She's precious. She's amazing. She's full of beauty.

A worry of mine (at times) is that I overcompensate for what she has to go through. I buy her most of what she wants out of guilt. It's so difficult not to. When you've just watched your 6 year old cry for an hour because she doesn't like what's happening in her life, you tend to spoil her. When she announces she's 6 and soon people will listen to her and she'll have choices, you just want to crumble on the spot (because you know what she's referring to). I do anyway. It rips me apart and I hope, every single day, that this part of normal for Kara will one day be gone.

Yesterday, my girl came up to me, spontaneously. She sat on my lap, hugged me and kissed me. She then said, with a tear in her eye, "Mummy, you're so much better than any present or the money I just got for my birthday. You're the best gift and I'm so glad I've got you". She said it with so much meaning.

Kara comes out with some pretty insightful things at times but that pulled tears from my eyes ~ there was no holding back that time.

If only she knew she was the gift.

I wanted to post a pic of us and in this, I'm covered in makeup so it's a good one lol.

All About Kara

Well yesterday was :)

I am sooooo exhausted. Friday, Saturday and half of Sunday was spent cooking and organising and preparing the backyard for thunderstorms ~ fortunately, it came early and by about 9 am, the weather was perfect!!!

For the first part of Kara's party, the kids bounced, glued and built sand castles. They filled themselves with sugar and that made them bounce some more :P

Then, the animals arrived. We had a snake, a lizard, sugar gliders, a possum, a rabbit, a ferret and a green treefrog. The snake, by far, was the hit of the day. Most of the kids had him wrapped around their necks and slithering on their faces... it's so adorable. I'm a bit disappointed with my pics ~ I seem to be getting worse rather than better lol.

I'm feeling so flat today. Kara had a massive melt down today and I ended up having to take her home from school because her father was picking her up. It just leaves me feeling so helpless as her mother. I know I sound like a broken record but I'm having one of those downers tonight. Kara got so many divine presents but I just wish I could give her the one thing she so desperately wants ~ her stability back.

The mask she made.....



I've been telling her there was no way she'd get a Wii before Christmas.....

6 Years Ago

... I was in agony lmao. I was 19 hours away from holding who was to become the most important being ever to enter my world. I loved Kara while I was pregnant, but to hold her and look at her was a moment that only other mummies could appreciate. I just cannot believe she will turn 6 tomorrow.

To my baby girl.....

I type this with tears in my eyes ~ happy ones of course. You are and you always will be, the most important person in my world. You're beautiful inside and out ~ your face melts my heart and your intelligence blows me away daily. You have it all plus some Kara and all Mummy hopes for you is that you grow into a happy and healthy woman that has it all! I love you to the moon and back and I hope that tomorrow (even if there is a thunderstorm), is what you're expecting and more.

Happy last day of being 5 ~ I love you sooooo much.

xxx

She's SO Beautiful

I absolutely love this photo (click on it). Kara looks sad but she wasn't lol ~ she tries to look 'pretty' she says..... she does.

My girl just went for the weekend (after having a day off today....) and we had such a good day. She's such a beautiful kid ~ inside and out and I'm so lucky to be her Mummy.

I love you sweet girl. x

So Lovely :)

Kara Jade had a birthday party today ~ one of 5 during a 3 week period. It was such a great day... the kids went to see Wall E with Ben's (birthday boy) parents and then they went to a large reserve near the beach. They had a blast and I just wanted to post a couple of pics because blogger has been playing up for me over the past few days and I've not been able to add photos.... PITA!!!!

Kara and Monique

Ben and Kara

I have one more day of holidays with my angel ~ she is going to get (almost) whatever she wants lol.

The Nugget :P

Well, I am posting this at the request of a confused 5 year old lmao.

Kara and I were chatting late last night (way past midnight as she's still on school holidays) and she said there was something she wanted to talk about. When I asked her what that was, she told me it was about a chicken nugget..... where this was about to go I had NO idea.

Anyway, she preceeded to tell me that last weekend when with her father, he and his now "teacher wife" (Jus.... thought I'd better update you on that lol), made Kara eat a chicken nugget. She then followed it with...... "I don't know why they'd force me to do that Mummy. They know my beliefs about eating meat (Kara will NOT touch meat and hasn't since she was 2) and it's a chicken nugget ~ it's not even healthy. I'd understand if it was a veggie but it's a NUGGET".

You know, I totally agree with my girl. I've always respected Kara's wishes not to eat meat ~ not because she doesn't like the taste but because she really does have strong views about eating animals. It's now an ongoing joke in our home ~ she's been calling her father the nugget man and seriously, how can I not laugh? I'm always so careful not to share my thoughts about him (or display any negativity) but when she initiates it, it's hard not to support her.

I'm really feeling for my baby at the moment. She's been in tears a lot this week about having to have two homes. She really isn't happy about it and as her mother, it's horrid to have no control over the whole situation. She constantly asks when she will be listened to and it breaks my heart.

Having said that, we've had the best week together. Kara's had a late night every night and most days have been spent with friends and evenings spent playing games. I don't want the holidays to end!

They're Almost As Happy As Me....

But not quite.

My beautiful girl came home last night and to say we were both rapt is a massive understatement. You would have thought it had been months ~ I missed her terribly and last night when we were snuggling, so had tears in her eyes and said she was SO happy to be home. She's been really trying to not get upset about having long stints away from home and I'm so very proud of her.

Tonight, I took Kara and my nephew to the beach and we met up with some friends. The kids were all soooo happy (most of the time :P) and I'm glad these pics captured that. I know they're not great pics but I love them anyway.

Letter From a Princess

I am sooooooooooooooooo missing Kara at the moment. She went to her Dad's for 4 nights/5 days on Saturday and I get to see her in 3 hours..... whilst I've got heaps done, the last 2 days have been passing verrrrry slowly.

My eyes swelled a few moments ago when I checked my mail.... "mummy" written across a hand made pink envelope made me miss her even more.

She's so divine and I feel SO lucky to have my girl in my life. I love how she underlines her words if she can't squeeze them in ~ that's what they do at school. She hasn't learnt to drop "e" when adding "ing" yet but it adds to the letter's cuteness.

Am I having a good time? I will be tonight :)