Can't Sleep

Well, so much for listing (on Ebay), cleaning, sewing..... all I've done tonight is sit on my butt and eat crap. Miss K is with her dad tonight, so as usual, I'm wide awake and will be for a few more hours.... I sleep so much better when she's happily tucked in bed at her home....

Anyway, I just looked through some pics and had a chuckle at the pelican one above. My friend's daughter turned 5 last week and she had a party at the zoo. The pelicans (which I find extraordinary to look at), were very close to their fence, so I thought I'd take a pic..... well, I ended up crapping my pants. As I was getting ready to shoot, the pelican swung its head to my direction and went for the camera. I jumped back and as I did, pushed the button on the camera (without intention). At the time, it was so funny......Kara loves the pic because when she zooms in, she can see down it's throat. A bit gross really lol.

School holidays next week, so I might be a little quiet for a while :P Kara has to go for 5 days again, so neither of us are all that keen... bring on wednesday week. I HATE the first week of holidays:(

Bragging...... again :P

For what it's worth, I think Kara is bright :P She amazes me daily with what she knows and what's even more impressive is that she teaches herself constantly. She will sit down for hours and do maths. She will get home from school and write stories (that make sense!). She always wants to learn and always has.

The past few months, I suppose because I spend so much time around other 5 year olds, I appreciate her knowledge even more... if that's possible. With maths for example, she goes through her 2, 3, 5 and 10 times tables. She knows addition, subtraction, multiplication and some basic division. She loooooooves to play Yahtzee and kicks my butt when she does lol. She sits in the back seat on the way home and reads the school newsletter.... she still stumbles but she's only 5.... how has she learnt soooooo much in so little time? She amazes me.

Tonight, we were reading a book about the life cycle of a butterfly. One of the first pages was explaining how the caterpillar uses its silk to keep the leaf it's in folded over. I asked Kara if she could think of a reason as to why it would do this. Her response was simply "to protect itself from it's predators of course". She then suggested it would also protect the 'creature' from bad weather.

I know I'm rambling lmao but I wanted to make sure I start keeping track of some of her comments. I'm SO SO SO proud of you sweet girl. xxx

And just a couple of pics.... Miss K had her first disco a couple of weeks ago and requested I make silver stretch pants (thanks to the Bratz)......

And this was taken on Tuesday ~ in her new (Mummy made :P) school pini and most importantly to K, scrunchies .... she looks so grown up.... and yes, she also looks stunned. That's what I get when I ask her to open her eyes (as opposed to squinting....).

Photos From a Five Year Old

I'm a proud mummy. Kara has always loved to take pictures ~ always. She has hogged my little camera since she was about 3, so last year I got her the kids Fisher Price one. It was the best money I've ever spent on a toy for her ~ she used it over and over and over again.

Last week I decided she needed a big girl's camera. The Fisher Price one is great for a toddler because it survives falls but the actual photos aren't that clear. So I just got a basic (cheap) Kodak digital camera and it's soooo good for her. Easy to use (she even half presses the shutter button to allow auto focus lol) and Kara thinks it's the best.... I need to upload some of my pics of Kara taking pics (it was so cute!) lol but here are some she took at the zoo last week. I think they are so good for her age ~ she'll be stoked when she sees that I've blogged them :)

Sometimes It's Too Much

I write this post hesitantly, as I know there are bloggers out there who judge me on my weakness. But, it is how I'm feeling, whether it be admirable or not and this is my blog, so off I go....

I know there are so many people out there with problems which far exceed my own. I know (and hate that) there are mums out there without their babies in their lives. I know that I'm one of the luckiest people to have Kara in my life.

But I also know what it's like to slowly have your time with your child cut short, bit by bit. And I hate it. Knowing that in less than 18 months, I won't see my girl for a week at a time is too much to take in. I just don't know how to cope when I have 'dips' like the one I'm in. Usually I just ignore that it will happen, but sometimes it hits me hard.

For the past few weeks, Kara has been somewhat distant. She's been nasty, argumentative and just generally answering back ~ constantly. All of this, I know, is normal for a five year old. I understand that ~ I don't like it, but I understand it. But when I express my concern with her father and he tells me she's been angelic and over affectionate, alarm bells ring. Everybody keeps saying it's because she's most comfortable at home ~ she even says "I always have to be nice, so I let my nastiness out with you because I'm more comfortable". Most of the time I almost 'appreciate' that but at the moment, I just want my little girl back.

So in a nutshell, I'm feeling so bad. I'm losing the baby I brought into the world and I'm missing her so much. Some days it feels so overwhelmingly difficult ~ like I've already 'lost' her to him. I know how manipulative he is and I know he's working on her. I also know that I have to keep it together for Kara's sake but at the moment, I'm failing.

All I want is to be my girl's mum. I don't want her left with others when I am here to care for her. It all feels so very wrong.

No More Rats

Well, that's what I said last Friday to to the vet ~ they have cost me a fortune in the past. But then, on Sunday, I called around Adelaide searching for one. I just knew if Kara came home to an empty cage that she'd find Violet gone harder......

After about 15 calls and having to answer "do you want a live or frozen one" a dozen times, I finally found a female. I drove to get her and as I was about to leave the carpark, I wondered if she should have a friend. Sooooo, I went back in and bought a Rex Rat (curly coat/whiskers). So now we have two..... they better survive.

On Monday night, Kara said to me "Mummy, thanks so much for buying Sally and Dasher because I wouldn't have survived if you didn't". She's so darn cute.

V xxx

Sally

Dasher ~ named so because she kept running away from Kara

It Shouldn't Make Me THIS Happy, But It Does...

GO THE BLUES

I get soooooo much flack for following them and a lot of that comes from Port supporters, so to win from 30 points down at 3/4 time (in the WET) makes me a happy Jan.

:) :) :) :) :) :)

OK, off to do something worthwhile now :P

:(

I know I've been far from positive lately ~ it's just been such a crappy couple of weeks. Well today is hopefully the peak of the low time.....

I woke at 3am to Kara vomitting everywhere..... not nice. My poor girl was feeling awful today and her father has her this weekend ~ it angers me more than I can express that my daughter doesn't have the right to stay home when she's sick. I hope that if she vomits, it lands all over him. He is just so selfish.

Then this evening, I took Violet (Kara's pet rat) to the vet. She just hadn't improved and over the past couple of days, got worse. The vet said that she was in pain now and she felt Violet was close to dying and suggested putting her to sleep. Kara was already at her dad's and I really didn't know what to do. I know she's just a rat but she's Kara's favourite pet ~ by far. I wasn't sure if I should wait until monday to let Kara see her first but I decided not to. I think it would have been too stressful for my girl.

So now, this weekend is going to be a reallllly long weekend. I'm worried about how K will react to not having Violet and to top things off, I think I'm getting her bug......I need a holiday. I'm thinking of a Melbourne trip for a weekend to take Kara to the footy, zoo and just hang out. Depends on Ebay sales LOL.

xxxx

Honesty is the Best Policy.....

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Who came up with that crappy saying???

Why do people ask for opinions if they don't really want an honest answer? It really sh*ts me.

I can't stand it when a friend puts you in a situation that you can't squirm out of ~ when they ask you something that you either have to be honest with or totally lie about BUT at the same time, you know that the truth isn't what they want to hear.

Well, I can't lie ~ especially about 'big' things. So, if you don't want an honest answer, don't ask me :P

Now, Miss K.

I walked into her room last night and she was crying and looking at herself in the mirror. I asked her what was wrong and she got really upset and said "why am I so ugly Mummy". Gulp. It took all my strength to not scoop her up and cry.... I, of course, told her she is just beautiful, inside and out, to which she said "No I'm not. We're the ugly family". Well, thanks babe LMAO.

Seriously though, I felt sooooo sad for her. I asked her teacher today and apparently there are a couple of kids saying negative things about themselves and others and obviously some kids take it onboard more than others. How can 5 years of 'I love you', 'you're gorgeous', 'you're divine' etc. be undone in a few days. It scares me that she's already thinking negatively of herself.

Retail Therapy Strikes Again...

ARGGGGGGHHHHH

Well, after taking Kara to school and literally having to peel her from me (her father picks her up today), I felt really shit to be blunt. She's regressed big time with the visits and it drags me down...

So, of course, nothing perks me up a like a bit of shopping. Given that our new birds died about a week after we got them (found both of them dead at the bottom of the cage...), I thought I'd get a turtle. Kara and I have had the class turtle a few times now and she's really good with him and he's so easy to care for. I was speaking to somebody about them today and apparently it's difficult to get long neck turtles due to the drought (their breeding is wayyyyy down), so when I found one, I had to have him. He is soooooooooooooooo small and soooooooooooo cute ~ I took a pic near a $2 coin to show you :) His shell is about 2cm (under an inch) in diameter and I'm scared I'm going to kill him too LOL.

Kara has show and tell tomorrow and the topic is "Your Pets". I need to take in some pics for her and I'm going to add one of the turtle to surprise her. I'll take him in too ~ she will be so rapt.

xx

** I had to add the above pic LOL ~ he is sooooo tiny and his tank so big. Kara met him today and has named him Tom (my first guess) ~ she just LOVES him.

Some Quick Pics

I'm feeling really crappy atm so won't type much but wanted to put a few pics up from today.

We went crab hunting with some friends and Kara LOVED it. I was quite amazed at how many crabs there were ~ we caught about 50 but let them all go before leaving of course....

Hope you're all well out there in blogger land.

xxx

So Divine....

I finally bought a heap of frames to display some pics of Kara (most are just on the computer...) and so I've been looking through photos from the last 5 years. There are so many but there are some from 18 months ago that really shocked me. Kara has grown SO much from 4-5 ~ she looked like a baby then.....

And a newborn pic ~ she wasn't quite 2 days old here.... I NEED another one :P

I Still Hate It.....

I'll keep this short lol.....

My girl just left with her father for three nights....it seems like it's weeks. When the sleepovers started (18 months ago now), everybody kept saying "You'll get used to it. You'll enjoy the break". Pft.

I farking hate it, as does Kara. I didn't have a child to ship her off at every opportunity. I had her to watch her grow, be with her, love her. Yes, she needs to be away from me at times to develop independance, but she doesn't need 3 nights for that :P

I hate that in less than two years, I won't see my baby for a week at a time. When I think about it, everything falls apart. How will I do it?

Oilily and Fred Bare!!!!!

I know some of you loooove the above, so I thought I'd stick a quick post here to tell you to look at my ebay listings :P

Over the next few weeks, I will be listing at least 100 items in size 4-6 from Kara's wardrobe. A couple of you have asked me in the past to let you know when I list, so I thought this was the easiest way!!

My Ebay id is "fredbare!" and there will be a lot of summer gear.

( a link!!!! http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=220236807823&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT&ih=012)

xxxx

Poor Violet :(

I know sooooo many of you cringe at the thought of a rat ~ I am forever getting shit about owning one from friends lol.

But, just like Charlotte and Sweety (our cat and dog), Violet is one of our pets both Kara and I are attached to her just as much (if not more) than them (our love birds died btw ~ both were dead at the bootm of their cage on thursday and I have nfi why.....).

Anyway, Violet isn't well :( We took her to the vet today ($75 later....) and she is on antibiotics and an anti-inflammatory..... she has some respiratory problem.

Kara's upset about the prospect of her dying soon and has been holding and loving her a lot today.... I'm hoping the drugs improve her a bit and she lives for a bit longer...

She's sooo cute :P

Crazy Times!!

That is the best way to describe the past two weeks!!!!

Work is great ~ thanks to all who have asked about it! I am needing to juggle my routine a lot, even though I'm only working 3 days (and not even full days). It's totally doable but it just means I have very little 'me' time now ~ that used to be evenings for me. I am determined to keep the time I have with Kara as time WITH Kara..... therefore, after school pick up, it's really important for me (and I think for Kara) to spend the 4 hours pre-bedtime doing fun things with my girl. It does make it hard ~ I need to be super organised and make sure the house is clean and the meals prepared at night , once she's in bed. I finally feel that I'm getting there now:)

One thing I have noticed, is how much of a different financial situation others my age are in LOL.... for the better of course :P I suppose you get that working in a finance company. One of the first things that jumped out at me, was how much Super and Investments some 3o year olds have ~ it almost scared me at one stage!!! It did get me thinking..... thinking about the paths I've chosen in life and whether I've done the right thing. I have been criticised in the past by some for 'sponging' from the government instead of working ~ for being part of the Centrelink Gravy chain as it was so nicely put and at times, I have wondered how that would effect Kara as a person. BUT it only takes seconds with my girl to push all of those worries aside. My angel is so confident. She is so bright and so 'tuned in'. We have a bond and relationship that I know I would never have had with her if I didn't choose the path I've chosen. I know I would have huge regrets if I didn't spend her pre-school years with her, especially after what's happened in court. You know for once, and I don't say this lightly, I am so proud of what I've done for Kara given the situation I've been in (both financial and emotional). I'm proud that I've raised my girl the way I have ~ even if the government has paid for it. Now that I'm working, I will be paying that back AND I've had the best 5 years of my life which I will cherish forever. How could I possibly have chosen any other path?

I didn't start this post with the intentions of the above ~ sometimes my mind just wonders and I type as it does... probably not a great thing but I suppose that's what a blog is for.

So today..... it POURED in Adelaide. We had a late night last night and this morning, the sound of the rain on the tin roof scared the crap out of me ~ it was that heavy.

Kara, last night, finally got to see hail!!! She was so so so excited and this morning, ran out again (with my slippers on) in case it returned. She's just so darn adorable (if I do say so myself :P).

Here are some pics of my girl today... they're crappy atm but I'm too buggered to edit them properly lmao.

xxxx

What The? Choose about 40 photos......

Ok ~ this has been the hardest thing to do since Kara started school :P

Every week, one child in Kara's classroom is chosen as 'Star of the Week'. Basically, they get to sit on a special chair, take the class teddy and turtle home, make classroom decisions (which books to read, games to play etc) and they need to present a poster of their lives......

It's the last part that's proven difficult.

I love taking photos of Kara ~ just in case you hadn't noticed LOL. I have about 18 000 of her since she was one (when I got my first digital camera) and another 2000 or so from birth to one.... we had to choose about 35-40 of these to fit them onto a poster.

I printed off about 150 and gave them to Kara to cull ~ to give her some say in what she wanted on there. I even asked her dad for some pics from his wedding to add (it is part of her life afterall but I am proud of myself for doing that pmsl). Well, after Kara culled, we were down to 147. She removed 3 photos ~ they were 3 of my favs lmao.

Anywayyyyyy, after much compromise, we cut down and shrank as many as we could fit and put the remaining 100 odd into an album for her to take. I tried to do a good range but it really is soooo hard to choose from so many.

This is what it looks like ~ it's like Where's Wally lmfao.... so many photos.

Such a Tragedy

I rarely watch the news now ~ I just find it so upsetting and in many cases, so full of shit anyway. Issues are rarely reported as they happen and it just frustrates me. Fingers of accusation are often cast at the wrong person and I wonder just how that person would feel. Anyway, I'm getting of track......

I read today that the little boy, Imran Zilic, who was missing after an access visit with his father has been found in a mine shaft. For whatever reason, I cannot stop thinking about this little boy and his mother. I haven't stopped thinking about her anguish since the story was told. I cannot stop wondering how any person could do this to their child. HOW could his father do this to him?

I don't know these people and I never will but Imran's loss has really upset me. It's just so very pointless. Just so cruel.

Rest in peace little man ~ send your Mummy as much strength as you can. xxxx

It's In The Eyes

(click it to make it bigger, then click it again :) )

I know I've been posting heaps of Kara lately but I promise I'll try to think of more interesting things to blog LOL. BUT I took this photo this morning and I keep staring into her eyes. I rarely love a photo I take but this one does it for me..... she looks so angelic (looks are soooo deceptive :P )

Still Not Used To It!

For the past few days, I keep looking at Kara and thinking how different she looks. How can a few inches of less hair change a kid soooo much.

This morning when I got up (Kara let me sleep in because of my back pain lol), Kara had dressed herself and all I could hear from her playroom was "I look soooo trendy" PMSL. I was surprised at her choice of clothing as she says she never wants to wear denim but for whatever reason, this dress passes her strict criteria lol.

Once I summonsed the energy to get out of bed, I took a few pics of her 'surfing' on the rocking chair..... she was just so adorable and sooooo happy. She insisted she wouldn't fall, but the last pic proves her wrong.

I know I say it a lot (and I know it's a good thing) but my little girl is growing so fast. Being her Mummy, I think she is also growing more and more beautiful every day :)

xxx

I've Been Tagged....

I've been tagged.......by Danielle and Tabitha!

(I have to mention and link the person who tagged me ~ above!!!).
Mention the rules on your blog ~
Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours ~
Tag 6 fellow bloggers by linking them ~
Leave a comment on each of the tagged bloggers blogs ~ letting them know they have been tagged!!

Before I start, I need to work out how to link others lmao ~ I'll do that part later....

1. I CANNOT STAND chewing noises. It just grates on my nerves, especially if somebody is eating whilst speaking to me on the phone. I almost always have to hang up because it stresses me out. (also causes problems at a cinema :P )

2. I love polka dots. Kara is sick of it. I just can't help buying fabric with spots ~ I would have at least 200 metres of polka dot fabric.

3. I'm a night owl. I rarely go to bed before 1am. If I do, I wake within an hour.

4. I am a MASSIVE hoarder. I keep anything with sentimenal value ~ it could be a lolly wrapper. I still have my pyjamas from when I was 4 and I remember my mum going to throw them out and saying "I want to keep those for when I have a daughter..... ". I have a photo of Kara in them somewhere :)

5. I hate mixing my food. I have to have spaces between different foods on my plate. I've always done it and have nfi why. I remember feeling sick when I was a kid if some of my potato touched my meat pmsl.

6. I never dance. I hate it. I love to watch it but dread the day I am in a situation I have to do it.

Now I'm off to work out how to link names lol.


Karla http://www.untanglingknots.com/
Sue http://iwishiwasthree.blogspot.com/
Megan http://rohanandmegan.blogspot.com/
Amanda http://pennynpounds.blogspot.com/
Mandy http://pushystagemother.blogspot.com/
Justine http://banksies.blogspot.com/

Hmmmmm ~ maybe I won't work it out LMFAO. Oh well, you can copy and paste the links :P

Dancing in the Rain.... and Employment!

On Wednesday, Kara and I arrived at school and it started to rain. Kara's face lit up because she loooooooooves being in the rain and it wasn't pouring, so I let her. She then decided we should dance together in it (with me picking her up), so I scooped her into my arms and CRACK... my back didn't like it.

To say I've been in pain is an understatement LOL. I went to the doctors with tears and pretty much requested drugs before she even had a chance to close the door. Those with backpain will relate..... I've torn a muscle and there's some bleeding that is causing the most bizarre burning sensation. I'm so over it already.... hoping it will improve over the next few days.

On a completely different note....

As of Monday (thanks to my Mum xxx), I will be employed!!!!! YAYYYY WOOOOHOOOOO

I had given myself until June to find employment but I am not prepared to have Kara in care ~ we already feel we don't have enough time together, so being able to have our few hours after school is really important to me. Consequently, I needed something within school hours.... not an easy task!!!! Soooooo, this job is perfect ~ it's 3 days a week from 9:30 until 2:30 and the days are flexible. Initially it will be tues-thurs, but once I've learnt the ropes and have settled in, if need be (due to Kara commitments) I can swap days. It's in a financial company and basically (from what I've gathered), I will be transferring data to different systems. So it's computer work which will need little thinking ~ just what I want LOL.

It's just such a relief for me. The recent thousands I needed to pay for the court costs has really made things too difficult, so the extra money will come at the PERFECT time. It won't impede my time with my girl either, which is just fabbo!

And just because ~ look at my girl here.... it was the first time in her cot (after being in a bassinette)..... soooo cute!!! We need to do a photo collage for school and it means me going through literally 20 000 pics of kara to choose about 40.

Oh My Gosh......

ARGHHHHH

Loooooooooooook!!!!!

Last week, the unimaginable happened..... Kara announced she wanted short hair.

I love her long hair. It's been growing for 5 years and I've always been very relieved that she's loved it too. So when she insisted "it's my hair though Mummy, so I should be able to choose", I had to agree.

So, this morning, we went to get it cut.... I absolutely ADORE it! Her little face looks even more divine and she is so happy with it.

It does make her look older though :( My baby is growing too fast.

xxx

Do you think she likes it? :P

Be Careful What You Ask For....

:P

A few of my friends keep saying this to me, given the dreams I have for a certain person's demise.....

Well, now I understand why they say it LOL.

When Kara goes to her father's house, I have tried encouraging her to call me. Of course a part of the reason is for me ~ I love to hear her voice ~ but I also feel it's important she feels she is able to. Likewise, I also encourage her to call her father...

Her response is usually something along the lines of "I don't feel comfortable doing that".....

For the past couple weeks though, Kara has called me. It began on the days when her father decided it was appropriate to go to work for her FIRST long stay with him ~ I got a call at 6:50 am from her and about 4 more followed.

Now, Kara is more than happy to call me. It's great. Except for the fact that the call comes when she wakes up (and her father is still in bed). So yesterday, it was at 7am and today I was lucky ~ it was 7:25am.

The ONLY positive thing about Kara spending time at his house is the occassional sleep in for me...... well, guess what doesn't happen anymore lmfao.

Having said all of that, there's no way I will ask her not to call. I've never loved being woken so early in my life..... I just *wish* it was a little later in the day :)

xxx

(PS I just added the pic because I like it ~ she is just so beautful isn't she?)

Soon We'll Start Charging.....

Meet Sparkle and Twinkle (LMAO).

These are the latest addition to Kara's animal collection.

My friends just laugh now ~ every time they visit, there's a new pet and they give me grief :P

Honestly, I just cannot help it. Kara, since she was a baby, has had an affinity to animals. She's just always loved them and been great with them and I feel it's something I should encourage.... we go to the zoos etc but she says it's just not the same.

So now she is the proud owner of two birds, a cat, a dog, a rat, fish, snails and unfortunately, her stick insect died. She has her hopes set on a rabbit and turtle next but that won't be happening..... not this week anyway :P

Busy Days....

My girl came home on wednesday arvo and for the first 24 hours, we hugged almost constantly. She kept saying it felt like 100 nights, not only 4 but I'm just glad that first 5 day visit is over. Perhaps next time, her father will spend the time with her.... so convenient that his partner is a teacher :P He is such a selfish being.

We've been so busy.

The night K came home, I had her bestie over as a surprise and we had a small welcoming home party. She thought it was the best lol and the smiles on her face were priceless. She saw our lawn for the first time and I made her a sand pit ~ she loooooooves it.

Kara and Evan

Kara seeing the backyard (it was previously a mud pit) and sandpit!!!

For the next few days, we've had friends over and we just haven't stopped. Today we went to Monarto (an open range zoo in outer Adelaide) and after that, we stopped at Hahndorf for strawberry picking. Kara's been somewhat difficult (tired/unsettled) and I feel like all I've done is tell her off all day but there were some nice times despite that.....

Riding a Camel at Monarto Today

Feeding the Giraffes

Strawberry Picking ~ she LOVED this!

She ended the night off with a spa (her new favourite thing to do LOL) and her behaviour improved once I got a splitting headache and she reaslised she'd pushed me too far..... here's hoping for an answering-back free day tomorrow..... :P

Why after she's been a turd and I've told her off do I feel so guilty? I just hate being upset with my girl.

xx