Six Years Ago

I made a promise.

I looked into the most amazing little face.
I promised her I would protect her.
No matter what.
I promised her I would be there for her.
No matter what.
I promised her I would love her unconditionally.
No matter what.

Today I hurt so much for her.

I can't protect her.
I can't be there for her.
I of course love her unconditionally.

I'm so sorry baby.

I would do anything to keep all three promises.
Tears pour from me knowing I can't.
I just want my happy girl back.
I just want you to have your security back.

Never did I think we would be here.
In this space.
How can he do this?
And how is it allowed?

I'll keep trying Kara.

I'll never stop.

I promise.

x

And the Reason Is?

People often say everything happens for a reason. I've always had a problem with this saying. I disagree. I think there are some things that need not happen and the world would continue spinning in a more positive way.

So, where am I going with this? Three guesses.

Yes, I'm a broken record but this blog allows me to release so that's what I'm doing.

I've had a series of email exchanges with Kara's father tonight. Pointless really. They only ever validate what I think about him. He's a toe hair. He's selfish. He constantly attempts to lessen the bond I have with Kara. He is a waste of space. His new demand. I am not to attend anything that Kara has on when she is in his care. If I do, he won't take her. He is a massive control freak and he is threatened by the relationship we have. Don't get me wrong ~ I'm in no hurry to join social gatherings that he's at. BUT if my daughter has a school event, concert, party or whatever, why should her mother not be a part of that? How can 'shared parenting' work with such ludicrous demands? As much as I despise this man, I have always made a massive effort at events that we have both attended.

For two years I have tried to see the importance of Kara spending time with her father. I have read articles. I have spoken to other fathers ~ both nuclear and single. I have seeked professional advise to help Kara and myself deal with the massive changes that are occurring. I try to be positive about it all. Truly, I do.

But then he does what he does. He speaks me down to her. He makes her feel uncomfortable about phoning her Mum. He goes out of his way to paint me in a negative light to Kara. She, fortunately, sees through it all but it still hurts.

In the coming months, Kara will spend more time at her father's than ever before. She is extremely apprehensive about it all. She asks why it has to happen when he's not even there ~ why she just can't stay home with me. WHAT do I tell her? How do I tell my girl it's important for her to go even if her father won't be with her?

I miss my daughter so much. I worry about her even more. I keep hoping that she's already molded into the gorgeous person that she is and his influence will be minimal. I hope that whatever thoughts he throws at her won't break the bond we have.

I'm so scared.

Better Late Than Never

:(

I feel SO bad and have for a few days. It was the divine Em's birthday last Saturday, and whilst I thought of her all day, I got caught up in Kara's party preparations and forgot to blog that night. I wasn't going to blog after that, thinking I would look like a d*ck posting too late, but Em told me she like's d*cks, so here is the post LMAO.

Seriously though Em ~ I know you're birthday absolutely sucked but I'm glad you had a great night before it. I'm also glad the blogging world has made us cross paths ~ you're beautiful in every way and I can't wait to smuggle cocktails into Lollipops :P

Happy Belated Birthday!!!!

xxx

Gulp

I know ~ I brag about Kara a lot. There are many reasons for it though. Sure, she's not perfect (to anybody else) but to me, she is. She's precious. She's amazing. She's full of beauty.

A worry of mine (at times) is that I overcompensate for what she has to go through. I buy her most of what she wants out of guilt. It's so difficult not to. When you've just watched your 6 year old cry for an hour because she doesn't like what's happening in her life, you tend to spoil her. When she announces she's 6 and soon people will listen to her and she'll have choices, you just want to crumble on the spot (because you know what she's referring to). I do anyway. It rips me apart and I hope, every single day, that this part of normal for Kara will one day be gone.

Yesterday, my girl came up to me, spontaneously. She sat on my lap, hugged me and kissed me. She then said, with a tear in her eye, "Mummy, you're so much better than any present or the money I just got for my birthday. You're the best gift and I'm so glad I've got you". She said it with so much meaning.

Kara comes out with some pretty insightful things at times but that pulled tears from my eyes ~ there was no holding back that time.

If only she knew she was the gift.

I wanted to post a pic of us and in this, I'm covered in makeup so it's a good one lol.

All About Kara

Well yesterday was :)

I am sooooo exhausted. Friday, Saturday and half of Sunday was spent cooking and organising and preparing the backyard for thunderstorms ~ fortunately, it came early and by about 9 am, the weather was perfect!!!

For the first part of Kara's party, the kids bounced, glued and built sand castles. They filled themselves with sugar and that made them bounce some more :P

Then, the animals arrived. We had a snake, a lizard, sugar gliders, a possum, a rabbit, a ferret and a green treefrog. The snake, by far, was the hit of the day. Most of the kids had him wrapped around their necks and slithering on their faces... it's so adorable. I'm a bit disappointed with my pics ~ I seem to be getting worse rather than better lol.

I'm feeling so flat today. Kara had a massive melt down today and I ended up having to take her home from school because her father was picking her up. It just leaves me feeling so helpless as her mother. I know I sound like a broken record but I'm having one of those downers tonight. Kara got so many divine presents but I just wish I could give her the one thing she so desperately wants ~ her stability back.

The mask she made.....



I've been telling her there was no way she'd get a Wii before Christmas.....

6 Years Ago

... I was in agony lmao. I was 19 hours away from holding who was to become the most important being ever to enter my world. I loved Kara while I was pregnant, but to hold her and look at her was a moment that only other mummies could appreciate. I just cannot believe she will turn 6 tomorrow.

To my baby girl.....

I type this with tears in my eyes ~ happy ones of course. You are and you always will be, the most important person in my world. You're beautiful inside and out ~ your face melts my heart and your intelligence blows me away daily. You have it all plus some Kara and all Mummy hopes for you is that you grow into a happy and healthy woman that has it all! I love you to the moon and back and I hope that tomorrow (even if there is a thunderstorm), is what you're expecting and more.

Happy last day of being 5 ~ I love you sooooo much.

xxx

She's SO Beautiful

I absolutely love this photo (click on it). Kara looks sad but she wasn't lol ~ she tries to look 'pretty' she says..... she does.

My girl just went for the weekend (after having a day off today....) and we had such a good day. She's such a beautiful kid ~ inside and out and I'm so lucky to be her Mummy.

I love you sweet girl. x

So Lovely :)

Kara Jade had a birthday party today ~ one of 5 during a 3 week period. It was such a great day... the kids went to see Wall E with Ben's (birthday boy) parents and then they went to a large reserve near the beach. They had a blast and I just wanted to post a couple of pics because blogger has been playing up for me over the past few days and I've not been able to add photos.... PITA!!!!

Kara and Monique

Ben and Kara

I have one more day of holidays with my angel ~ she is going to get (almost) whatever she wants lol.

The Nugget :P

Well, I am posting this at the request of a confused 5 year old lmao.

Kara and I were chatting late last night (way past midnight as she's still on school holidays) and she said there was something she wanted to talk about. When I asked her what that was, she told me it was about a chicken nugget..... where this was about to go I had NO idea.

Anyway, she preceeded to tell me that last weekend when with her father, he and his now "teacher wife" (Jus.... thought I'd better update you on that lol), made Kara eat a chicken nugget. She then followed it with...... "I don't know why they'd force me to do that Mummy. They know my beliefs about eating meat (Kara will NOT touch meat and hasn't since she was 2) and it's a chicken nugget ~ it's not even healthy. I'd understand if it was a veggie but it's a NUGGET".

You know, I totally agree with my girl. I've always respected Kara's wishes not to eat meat ~ not because she doesn't like the taste but because she really does have strong views about eating animals. It's now an ongoing joke in our home ~ she's been calling her father the nugget man and seriously, how can I not laugh? I'm always so careful not to share my thoughts about him (or display any negativity) but when she initiates it, it's hard not to support her.

I'm really feeling for my baby at the moment. She's been in tears a lot this week about having to have two homes. She really isn't happy about it and as her mother, it's horrid to have no control over the whole situation. She constantly asks when she will be listened to and it breaks my heart.

Having said that, we've had the best week together. Kara's had a late night every night and most days have been spent with friends and evenings spent playing games. I don't want the holidays to end!

They're Almost As Happy As Me....

But not quite.

My beautiful girl came home last night and to say we were both rapt is a massive understatement. You would have thought it had been months ~ I missed her terribly and last night when we were snuggling, so had tears in her eyes and said she was SO happy to be home. She's been really trying to not get upset about having long stints away from home and I'm so very proud of her.

Tonight, I took Kara and my nephew to the beach and we met up with some friends. The kids were all soooo happy (most of the time :P) and I'm glad these pics captured that. I know they're not great pics but I love them anyway.

Letter From a Princess

I am sooooooooooooooooo missing Kara at the moment. She went to her Dad's for 4 nights/5 days on Saturday and I get to see her in 3 hours..... whilst I've got heaps done, the last 2 days have been passing verrrrry slowly.

My eyes swelled a few moments ago when I checked my mail.... "mummy" written across a hand made pink envelope made me miss her even more.

She's so divine and I feel SO lucky to have my girl in my life. I love how she underlines her words if she can't squeeze them in ~ that's what they do at school. She hasn't learnt to drop "e" when adding "ing" yet but it adds to the letter's cuteness.

Am I having a good time? I will be tonight :)

Go Hawks!

:D

I actually barrack for Carlton but I sooooo wanted the hawks to win yesterday... I tipped them to win by 24 points, so I was pretty close :)

I spent the day down at the river with some friends (mums from school) and omg it was hilarious. A few of them had been there since Friday night but I couldn't go because Miss K was home until Saturday morning (3 more sleeps.....). So, upon arriving, most were still drunk from the night before lol.

I haven't been to a country pub for a looooong time and the locals are a hoot. The atmosphere was excellent with the occassional stumbling person dropping like a fly lmao. I would post some pics but I may never be spoken to by the photographed mums again....

Kara and I went crabbing (again) with some friends a couple of weekends ago and as usual, it was so much fun. I couldn't help but laugh at turning to see Kara relaxing....she's so funny.

And on Friday, Kara's school had "odd bods" day. It's basically casual day but the kids wear whatever they want... there were some classic ensembles LOL. Kara won the best dressed in her class pmsl, which didn't really excite her until she found out she won $2 :P

Oh, how could I forget..... meet Pepper... don't ask. (and to the ever so charming G, I'm surprised you knew what Munchasuen by pet would mean.... you must have grown a brain!)

Poor Baby (or Big Girl if K reads this....)

:)

My girl doesn't like being called a baby anymore lol but sometimes it just slips out.

Last week and the week (and months) prior, Kara counted the days until the Royal Show. She was sooooo excited. She had two money boxes to save for it and often put her canteen money in there instead of buying a treat at school lol.

On the wednesday morning, she woke buzzing about the day finally arriving but within 20 minutes or so, she got a headache and just wasn't herself. She had panadol and we went to the show but left after a couple of hours.

That evening, she woke struggling to breathe and we ended up in hospital that night. She had severe croup and was sick for the rest of the week. She's had croup before but even so, I panic when it happens. She was so disappointed about not being well for the show ~ I'm trying to think of something exciting for her to do this weekend to make up for it.

Kara's Fav Ride ~ it was horrid lmao.

Kara with her bestie....

My girl's prizes....

Kara's Fav Outfit.... (just thought I'd tack this on lol)

Karma

I heard on the news tonight that James Miller, one of the Truro murderers, is dying of Cancer.

Juliet, pictured above, was the neice of a dear friend and she lost her life to this monster and his lover. She was 16 years old and according to all that knew her, had so much to give this world. Obviously I never met Julie but I do know what her family (to some extent) went through (and still do) and to think it was all out of pure evilness angers me (especially now that I'm a mum).

When I heard the news tonight ~ that James Miller will die in prison and not be released when he is able to apply in 2013 ~ , the first word that came to mind was Karma. He will never go through what the families of the seven women/children he killed went through but at least now he will experience pain.

Rest in peace Julie ~ you're still thought of by many many people, including myself. x

Busy Busy Busy

Gosh ~ when does it stop??!!


It's just been such a busy couple of months and I rarely feel like I have 5 minutes to myself. I'm still only working 3 days a week (and only part time for those days lol) but fitting that in and spending much needed time with my girl is a hard juggling act. Something has to give and usually it's the housework ~ it's sooooo messy atm but I figure I'll get to it some time... there are more important things to do :)


Adelaide has provided some gorgeous weather of late, so Kara and I have been spending heaps of time outdoors. I've been very slack on the photo front and am still getting all of my programs back onto here after dropping the lappy..... what a pita that's been lol. I've added a few below :)


With everything that's been going on, I've been so slack with healthy eating and exercise ~ It's making me feel soooo blah and I've put on so much weight... I'm the heaviest I've been since being pregnant and I absolutely hate it. I'm starting an exercise program tomorrow (can you sense my enthusiasm NOT) and will try my hardest to cut out choccies, BBQ shapes and rose'. Wish me luck ~ I need ample of it LOL.

xxxx

Kara and Monique ~ Kara's Bestie.... they adore each other and it's soooo lovely.

We went to the zoo a couple of days ago and I loooove this shot ~ mainly because the buggers kept swinging and never stopped!!

Miss K was amused for hours at the zoo by this bug that fell on my head and freaked me out...

Another of her creatures .... she loves them! (excuse the mess in the background LOL)

Some Time Out

Things have been so hectic of late and to be honest, I'm not even sure why. Kara woke this morning whining about having to go to school and she just looked so tired, so we decided she could stay home. She really needed it and so did I ~ we don't get enough one on one time with school and visits with her father... when she is home, she has a constant stream of friends visiting lol (which I love) but today was just Mummy Kara time.

The weather was perfect, so we went treasure hunting at the beach lol. It was the BEST day. She's such a gorgeous little girl to be around and she makes me so proud.

Here are some pics of her today and one from a few weeks back. I'm still trying to get the computer running properly ~ it's doing my head in!

(Kara has a thing about jumping in photos atm LOL)

Happy Birthday to Two Gorgeous Princesses in my Life

Today is a special day, for two reasons.



To Miss Sage, my gorgeous 4 year old neice in Melbourne, HAPPY BIRTHDAY gorgeous girl. Kara desperately wanted to come to see you today but I just couldn't get organised in time . I hope you got spoilt (which I know you would have) and mummy lets you eat your entire cake. I love you so much xxxx



And to little Ava ~ I can't imagine you doing anything else but dressing up in heaven and dancing all day long. There are so many people thinking about you today angel and just as many hurting for your entire family. Happy 5th birthday Superprincess..... I wish you were with Mummy celebrating today.

Kara and Sage 2007

Ava and Kara December, 2006

Crap lol.

On friday night, as I actually pulled my butt of the couch, I tripped on the mouse cord of my laptop and the whole laptop went flying and smashed onto the ground ARGHHHHHHHHHH.

I lost the whole hard drive and am in the process of *trying* to get it running again. THANK GOD I backed up my photos only days earlier (and hadn't done so since february), so I didn't lose 6 months worth of pics. I think that fact has kept me from stressing about losing everything else lol.

It's a PITA though because I can't upload any pics from my camera. I have Kara's computer (which I'm on now) but I don't want to cram her hard drive with loads of pics, as it's not that big as it is.

Sooooo, that's what I've been doing the past few nights lol. Hoping like crazy that I can fix my lappy (and watching the Olympics!!!!).

Hope you're all well out there in cyberland ~ I've got a lot of blog catching up to do :)

xx

True Friends

It seems like I haven't been on here for ages ~ maybe because I haven't lol. I'm finding I have less and less time on the computer but despite that, my house is still a mess, jobs aren't getting done and I feel like I don't stop. I'd much rather be a full time stay at home mum lol but that's no longer a choice.

I've been really up and down lately ~ no reason really ~ just not feeling myself. Today's been a bit of a shocker but it's amazing how a bad day can show you how lucky you are to have the friends you do.

I feel lucky today. I feel lucky because when I was reaching rock bottom, some friends pulled me up before I hit there. Thank you.

And to my little Miss ~ I DO love you more than you love me :P xxxxx (an ongoing argument we have lol)

I love this pic of Kara when she was 1 ~ it makes me smile :)

Just for Kristen :P

LOL

Hellooooo ~ I've been slack but am sure you all coped just fine lol.

It's been a mad couple of weeks.

Last week, my sister came from Melbourne (unexpectedly) with the kids and we spent heaps of time at my Mum's so Kara could see them (and so I could too of course). It was a nice surprise to see everybody and takes a bit of pressure off of me to get my girl to Melbourne to see her Aunty and cousins... she loves them all so much and we haven't been there for a while.

The beginning of the first week was hard ~ Kara was at her dad's for 4 nights and it was the slowest time she's spent away so far. By the fifth day, I was just busting to see and hug her. She went again last night for 3 nights and let me tell you, I'll be glad when the holidays are over in a way ~ I just can't stand the extended visits (the kicking and screaming as she leaves doesn't help). I miss her terribly.

Early this week I met a 'cyber friend' that I used to be on a forum with ~ it was lovely finally getting to see her and meet her kids. It's amazing how you feel instantly at ease with somebody when all you've ever done is typed messages to one another :)

Apart from that, Kara and I have just spent time together. It's been so lovely. We've been to the zoo, played games, gardened, baked and just hung out with one another. I appreciate my time with her so very much and nothing is more enjoyable than just being her mum....

Soooo, all in all, it's been full on ~ I'm trying to get back into some sort of routine but it's not working. I was sick this morning and haven't moved from the couch all day lol. I am sooooo dreading Monday (back to school and up early) but at least my girl will be home :)

xxx Happy Birthday Belle xxx

Belle, I hope with all my heart that you were spoilt rotten in heaven on this special day~ so many of us have had you foremost in our thoughts today.

Happy 6th birthday sweet girl

xxxxxx

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I Shouldn't Laugh BUT....

My baby got her first report from school today ~ it was kind of strange reading it .... I still don't believe I have a school girl.

Anyway, I was reading through it with Kara by my side and it was pretty much what I expected. Then however, I came across Science. I have a fairly good idea of what K does at school in different subjects ~ I know what she finds easy etc. She has whined all year about Science being "too easy and not stimulating" ~ this has been said about a few subjects but especially so for Science.

Then today, after many 'excellents', I get to Science and there's a 'satisfactory' for achievement and a 'satisfactory' for learning effort.... the latter is what concerned me more (not that I'm really concerned lol). I asked Kara why she thinks she got a satisfactory for Science and wondered if she was finding it a little tricky. Her response ~ "Are you kidding me Mummy? It's too easy and I'm bored shitless every time we have it".

Ok ~ I shouldn't have laughed but I couldn't help it.

Can't Sleep

Well, so much for listing (on Ebay), cleaning, sewing..... all I've done tonight is sit on my butt and eat crap. Miss K is with her dad tonight, so as usual, I'm wide awake and will be for a few more hours.... I sleep so much better when she's happily tucked in bed at her home....

Anyway, I just looked through some pics and had a chuckle at the pelican one above. My friend's daughter turned 5 last week and she had a party at the zoo. The pelicans (which I find extraordinary to look at), were very close to their fence, so I thought I'd take a pic..... well, I ended up crapping my pants. As I was getting ready to shoot, the pelican swung its head to my direction and went for the camera. I jumped back and as I did, pushed the button on the camera (without intention). At the time, it was so funny......Kara loves the pic because when she zooms in, she can see down it's throat. A bit gross really lol.

School holidays next week, so I might be a little quiet for a while :P Kara has to go for 5 days again, so neither of us are all that keen... bring on wednesday week. I HATE the first week of holidays:(

Bragging...... again :P

For what it's worth, I think Kara is bright :P She amazes me daily with what she knows and what's even more impressive is that she teaches herself constantly. She will sit down for hours and do maths. She will get home from school and write stories (that make sense!). She always wants to learn and always has.

The past few months, I suppose because I spend so much time around other 5 year olds, I appreciate her knowledge even more... if that's possible. With maths for example, she goes through her 2, 3, 5 and 10 times tables. She knows addition, subtraction, multiplication and some basic division. She loooooooves to play Yahtzee and kicks my butt when she does lol. She sits in the back seat on the way home and reads the school newsletter.... she still stumbles but she's only 5.... how has she learnt soooooo much in so little time? She amazes me.

Tonight, we were reading a book about the life cycle of a butterfly. One of the first pages was explaining how the caterpillar uses its silk to keep the leaf it's in folded over. I asked Kara if she could think of a reason as to why it would do this. Her response was simply "to protect itself from it's predators of course". She then suggested it would also protect the 'creature' from bad weather.

I know I'm rambling lmao but I wanted to make sure I start keeping track of some of her comments. I'm SO SO SO proud of you sweet girl. xxx

And just a couple of pics.... Miss K had her first disco a couple of weeks ago and requested I make silver stretch pants (thanks to the Bratz)......

And this was taken on Tuesday ~ in her new (Mummy made :P) school pini and most importantly to K, scrunchies .... she looks so grown up.... and yes, she also looks stunned. That's what I get when I ask her to open her eyes (as opposed to squinting....).

Photos From a Five Year Old

I'm a proud mummy. Kara has always loved to take pictures ~ always. She has hogged my little camera since she was about 3, so last year I got her the kids Fisher Price one. It was the best money I've ever spent on a toy for her ~ she used it over and over and over again.

Last week I decided she needed a big girl's camera. The Fisher Price one is great for a toddler because it survives falls but the actual photos aren't that clear. So I just got a basic (cheap) Kodak digital camera and it's soooo good for her. Easy to use (she even half presses the shutter button to allow auto focus lol) and Kara thinks it's the best.... I need to upload some of my pics of Kara taking pics (it was so cute!) lol but here are some she took at the zoo last week. I think they are so good for her age ~ she'll be stoked when she sees that I've blogged them :)