And Now There's Milky.....

You may recall Kara and I adding to our zoo 6 weeks ago... a gorgeous guinea pig named Muncher. Well, when we collected Muncher, I was a little concerned that she could be pregnant, as a male got friendly with her just as we were leaving....

Yesterday morning as I stumbled out of bed to make my obligatory coffee, I checked in on Muncher and saw a new ball of fur... she's had a baby!!! I was so not expecting it ~ I thought that if she was pregnant the baby would arrive in around 3 weeks time, but she was obviously pregnant three weeks before we bought her. She had just one pup (it weights 120 grams and she weighed just over 500 last week..... HUGE!!!) and Kara has named the pup Milky (because it keeps feeding lol).

Kara is hoping with her all that Milky is a girl because there is no way we're keeping it if it's a he. As good as the experience has been for Kara, I'm not keen on repeating it every 2 months.

She IS Beautiful :P

It's been sooo long since I've blogged ~ well it seems it anyway :) Sometimes things just get in the way and I have missed reading all my fav blogs .... I'm hoping to catch up this weekend.

I'm not even sure where to start. Perhaps with an explanation of my title lol.

I was admiring my gorgeous girl at school pick up yesterday (as you do :P) and whilst I always think it, I verbalised the fact that Kara is just so beautiful. I actually didn't mean to say it out loud ~ it just happened. One of the other mothers then said something along the lines of "that's because she's yours". I felt like slapping her lmao. Instead, I just insisted that she really is beautiful ~ that I'd think so even if she wasn't mine.

Seriously, I don't understand some people at times. There are some thoughts that should just remain that ~ best not to share...

As I type, I'm in bed with my laptop and Kara is with her father, so I thought I'd go through some recent pics. I've not been taking that many ~ whenever we've been out, it's been raining and I'm paranoid I'll ruin the camera, so it stays packed away. I did take some the other morning ~ Kara was all snuggled up in bed and was refusing to get out but was in one of her gorgeous moods. How lucky am I to wake up to this?

A few weeks ago, we went to a farm in Adelaide which has animal handling, lamb feeding etc. On the way there, I told Kara that we would NOT come home with a new pet... she just laughed and said "yes we will". She was right....

Meet Muncher.... let me add.... we had paid for Muncher and Kara had named her, fell in love with her and her box was all ready to go. Just before we left for home, we went to collect Muncher from her pen and at that moment, Muncher was 'chosen' by a fellow male guinea pig. I looked at my friend and we just laughed ~ yep... we now think Muncher has baby Munchers growing and I am hoping they are boys so we can't keep them.

I was treated by a gorgeous friend last week... it was an amazing night :) My friend's sister is in Phantom of the Opera which is showing in Adelaide atm and I was lucky enough to go to see it. I've never been to anything like it and I was simply amazed. To hear and see the talent of some of the performers (Anthony Warlow OMG) was such an experience. I found myself sitting there wondering how such sounds could come from a human being! If you get the chance, go to see it as this is the last time he is performing in the Phantom role.

We were then invited to the after party.... I don't remember a lot of that LOL. It's been a long while since I drank more than 2 wines and did I pay for it the following day(s). It was worth it though :)

Ohhhhh, I have to mention this! If you've followed my blog for a while, you may already know that I love to restore furniture for Kara's bedroom. I was in there the other day and decided it was time for a new wardrobe ~ the one she has at the moment is gorgeous but it's open and just getting a little tight on space. I have been looking for some time for what I want but until the other day, just haven't been able to find it. Wellllll, thank's to good old Ebay, I finally have!! I know it looks a little crappy now, but this is exactly what I wanted....

This is Kara's room now..... how nice will it look with her other furniture!!!!! Can you feel my excitement? :P

For those of you who believe in positive thoughts, I have a job interview on Monday ~ I am still working at the moment, but my work there is almost done LOL... the new job, if I get it, will offer me similar flexibility with school hours and holidays and there's a chance I might be able to do some work from home ~ even better!!!

And just because I think she's cute.....

WOOHOO... just got a phonecall from my friend's hubby to say we can go to get the wardrobe yay.

xxx

Simply Amazing

Each time I watch this, I have tears streaming down my face.

This woman has so much to teach so many.

Good luck Susan!

Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent
Uploaded by dwarthy

Super Baby

Kara and I, since she was tiny, have done what we call "Super Baby". She luuurves it. It involves me lifting her into the air on my feet and her flying ~ then I throw her onto cushions/bed and she cracks up. Every single time we do it, so gets that belly laugh that makes you melt. She's just so gorgeous.

My friends have been keeping me afloat this week too ~ both real life and cyber ones lol. Thanks so much ~ if only you knew the difference it makes.

xxx

Sooooooo Cute :)

We had a really good day today ~ it's been just blissful. I told Kara that the weekend is hers and she has been able to choose everything we do.... apparently she likes that idea lol. Last night we saw Monsters Vs Aliens (she loved that) and today we went to the Beach House .... an amusement centre at a beach in Adelaide with waterslides, arcade games etc. We went for a lock in session, meaning Kara had 2 hours of unlimited access. When we arrived, the owner was there and to say he made her day is a massive understatement. She told him she was SOOO excited and that she had never been before, so he proceeded to give her a personal tour of the complex, a free hat and our visit ended with Kara driving the train..... it was just so lovely. He kept telling people to look after his little friend and she thought it was the best.

I got this pic of Miss K today and there is something I love about it. I just adore her so very much.

(.... off to listen to the last of the Blue's game.... not sounding good atm).

xx

A Face Only a Mother Could Love :P

It really is VERY difficult to get a decent pic of Kara ~ she either pulls faces, runs away or tries too hard to smile. Most attempts at getting a decent shot end up with both of us laughing because she gets the giggles lol.

My little girl is growing up so fast. It's scary. A few mornings ago, we were lying in bed watching tv and she, out of nowhere, told me "when I draw spiders, I only draw the cephalothorax. I don't draw the abdomen ~ it doesn't have legs". She then said that her favourite spider is a Trap Door and that she wished she knew how it made it's door. I suggested it must use its web but apparently "I'm not sure if they have silk glands or spinnerets to make webs". I looked at her in amazement and she was looking back with a massive smile, knowing she had impressed me lol.

It's not just her knowledge of spiders that impresses me... she just absorbs everything. She's 6 years old and can read just about anything now. Her maths skills blow me away ~ addition, subtraction, division, multiplication, fractions.... she's just so clever. I'm so proud of her.

Apart from admiring Kara lol, life has been busy. Very busy. We have so much going on at the moment and it's only going to get more intense in the coming months. There have been periods of weeks when I've not been on the computer and for me, that's unheard of lol. I'm just looking forward to some down time over the school holidays and trying to get through some tough times without getting too bogged down.

I hope that you all are well and I look forward to catching up on blog land over the next few days.

xx

Life Is Good

Well, not entirely, but this is the positive blog :P

The week has been challenging. At times it's been frustrating and at others it's been down right tough.

I've learnt a lot though.

I've learnt that nomatter what some people try to do, your friends stick by you. They see through others' weaknesses and don't let them cloud their judgement of you. They can distinguish between fact and lies, even when the lies are abundant.

So, despite things being extremely tough atm, the title of this post stands.

(I lost my hard drive this week, so need to reload some pics. The one of Kara above just makes me smile. 2. more . sleeps.)

Just Amazing to Watch.

This video is floating around on Facebook at the moment and is a couple of years old but i think it's just beautiful. So inspirational and touching. Enjoy.

xx

25 Random Things....

Well, it's been awfully hot here this week.... today was the 5th day over 40 degrees and last night the first to go under 30. I've been getting nothing done ~ it's just been too hot.

I was reading Sue's blog tonight and her recent post is 25 random things about her. I love reading posts like that so thought I'd follow her lead. It was harder than I thought but that may be due to sleep deprivation :)

I hope everybody had a great weekend. xx

1. I still don’t know what I want to ‘be’.
2. I taught physiology at university whilst studying before becoming a mum.
3. I looooove cointreau, soda and lime.
4. I despise lying.
5. I have an addictive personality so will avoid addictive things!
6. I grew up wanting to be a paediatrician or midwife.
7. I love to sew and create outfits for Kara.
8. The only time I dance is behind closed doors with my girl.
9. I love butterflies.
10. I hate seeing children drink Coke.
11. I would love to have another child.
12. I rarely trust somebody totally.
13. I love listening to Kara read ~ it amazes me how much she’s learnt in 6 years.
14. I am a massive hoarder…. I keep just about everything.
15. I dislike speaking on the phone.
16. I’ve always wanted to learn more about photography but have never grasped it.
17. I am terrified of spiders. I jumped from a moving car when pregnant with Kara lol because there was a huntsman in front of me.
18. I would love to be a foster parent some day.
19. I wish I had more power to protect my daughter.
20. My grandmother had 21 children and my father is the ‘baby’.
21. I think about Ava, a special Super Princess, every single day.
22. I bite my nails and have since I was tiny.
23. I can’t sleep with windows open.
24. I hardly ever iron clothes…. It’s amazing how flat you can get them with your hands :P
25. I drink way too much coffee.

Getting There!!!

Kara and I a couple of weeks ago ~ she was being very sweet and it makes me smile.

Well, in the footsteps of Tabitha (xxx), I've decided to just create another blog. Completely blocking the other one is just too hard ~ too many people that read don't have blogger IDs, so to those who have requested to be invited to my blog, I have added you to the new one.

From now on, this blog will be free from complaining, break downs and negativity:P That will be saved for A Mother's Wish. This one will be for our day to day (positive) stuff and to keep in touch with many via photos etc. I'm wondering how successful two will be ~ I'm slack with one lol.

So, on a positive note, there are 41 hours until my Princess is in my arms ~ getting squeezed, hugged, kissed, spun around and maybe even bitten :P The latter in a loving way of course.....

Unblocked

lol

I've had messages today asking why people can't read my blog. I've decided I'd like it to be private for the time being ~ a few reasons.

Soooo, if you would like to have access, can you please send me your BLOGGING email and I can then add you to a list.... it just means you have to log in to read. I don't want to lose touch with any of you!!!

Send it to fredbare@live.com.au

xx

Part Two :P

I'm sitting here with so much going through my head, so given I hardly blog anymore, I thought I'd just blog twice today instead. Maybe typing random things down will help. Maybe it will just make me more upset.

On days like today, when everything feels so hard, I tend to think about so many other things that are happening in my life. I shouldn't, because everything seems so negative but my thoughts just go there. I think about how little, financially, I have. I think about how I have no career since walking away from it when Kara was born. I think about how I wish to parent Kara, and of how for half of her life, I have no say about how she is parented. I think about how very alone I feel at these times. How there seems to be nobody, especially close friends, who understand where I'm at and how hard the past few years have been. How hard the present is. How hard it is to watch my girl be sad and feel so powerless. I realise just how very alone I truly am and it scares me. Especially on days like this. I wonder how things will ever change. I wonder if things will ever change.

All I want is happiness really. Foremost for my girl but then some for me too. I don't want to be so negative. I don't want to need my friends and feel like this when they're not there, for whatever reason. I just don't want to feel this anymore.

I Hate It :(

How all photos of Kara and I look..... she's crazy :)

My girl just left for 8 nights.... eight long nights and I am dreading this week like never before. I miss her already and am so worried about her. It's too long ~ especially for Kara.

She woke this morning and cried almost instantly. It took her a couple of seconds to realise it was Saturday and then we spent an hour on the couch snuggling. She told me she wishes she didn't have to go and as always, got upset when I told her she would be fine and have a great time.... I'm not sure why I bother even trying to comfort her really ~ she just gets angry with me and tells me I'm not the one going through it. But what else do I say?

We had a long talk the other night ~ I was trying to establish just how much of what Kara tells me is what SHE feels and how much is what she wants me to think she feels. In this situation, you're forever told that kids manipulate you and play games with you, so it's always in the back of my mind. Whilst I'm sure Kara does some of that, if all of what she tells me is fiction or for my benefit, I've got an author on my hands. At the end of the day, I'm her mum and if I don't give her the benefit of doubt and take what she has to say on board, I'm as bad as he who shall remain unnamed.

She's just so specific and so sad when we speak ~ I know she's not lying. Some of what she told me angered me more than you could imagine, but I had to sit there and just listen.... I don't want Kara thinking I can't handle anything she has to say. I want her to know she can tell me anything without fear of me 'losing it'. It makes weeks like this even harder though ~ knowing she's not happy and knowing why. Mothers are supposed to be able to comfort and protect their babies ~ it's living hell when that right is taken away.

One day, I hope to look over this blog and reflect on how difficult things were for my girl (and for me) but how she came through a happy, healthy teen/adult. I hope that what she's going through strengthens her and doesn't crush her. Like Kara, I live for the day when she has a say in how her life is lived (well, in most ways lol).

I hope she knows how much I love her and how I would change things if I could.

I just want my girl to be happy, whether that be at home or with her father.

(Rose, thanks for speaking so nicely of my blog to your sister and others ~ much appreciated :))

I Love It!!!

I was starting to catch up on some blogs recently (still haven't though.....) and I spotted a divine skirt on Aria.... I've given up on searching for one in Miss K's size AND I have vowed to stop buying things that Kara just doesn't need. Soooo, the next best thing is to try to make one :)

I have some gorgeous Oilily and spotty fabrics I want to use but thought it best to practice with other (less expensive) fabrics first. Kara has a thing for blue of late, so she helped choose these ones.

I'm so happy with it ~ it's adorable on and it's inspired me to finally get sewing again.



What do you think? Do you think it's too much?

See, She is a Miracle :P

I've always known it but this photo proves it LOL. I know it's blurred but Kara and I think the above pic is cooooool. I don't think I'd ever manage to snap that again....

The past week has been GREAT! I took Kara camping for three nights ~ it was at a caravan park which is 15 minutes away with showers, kitchens, fridges, pools etc... we had such a good time but I'm somewhat happy to be in my own room again. Having said that, the one on one with my girl was lovely. We swam, went on beach walks and played games for 4 days... bliss. There were arguments in there too lol but they seem to be daily with Kara at the moment. Her mind of her own seems to have taken on a whole new level.

I really don't want this three weeks (now two) to end. This is our last large block of time together for a while unless another miracle occurs ~ who knows... maybe 2009 will be the year for them.

Happy New Year to all of you lovely bloggers out there. I hope the next twelve months and beyond bring oodles of happiness and health.

xxx

Miss K enjoying the water....

New Year's Eve...

At the beach last night ~ the sky was AMAZING...Pinks and Purples.

Merry Christmas

.... and thank you for your constant support this year. You'll never know just what it means.

We've had a very busy week, as most have, and so I thought I'd post some pics. Kara and I have both been very spoilt and tonight, I feel so lucky to have the friends I have. Again, I don't think they know just how much they pull me through atm.

I'm almost scared to enter 2009 because of what it means for Kara but I am quietly hoping that I can do something to avoid more insecurity for her :)

So, here's hoping that you all have had a fantastic Christmas and that you've been able to spend it with somebody you love.

Juz ~ you made Kara's Christmas lol. That letter from Santa was the highlight of her week. She still can't believe she was at the top of the good list and that Santa knew her friends' names and her post code LMAO. It's so nice to have her exhibit so much innocence. Thanks for the link!!

My Princess at Carols by Candlelight ~ reading the words :)

Just after recieving her letter from Santa ~ she was just so so so excited. Adorable.

t

Kara begged to open one pressie on Christmas Eve and of course I caved... the Ikea Sagosten Turtle :)

Me and my girl today ~ I look BLAH, hence the black and white :P

I LOVE this photo ~ just because of Kara's excitement. I got her a bowling bawl as she's in a league and she's wanted one all year.

Playing on her keyboard from Santa ~ by far her fav gift.

How Much Is Too Much.

This post won't be as negative as some recent ones ~ I think I'm so drained atm, I can't even feel sad... not during this 10 minutes anyway. I'm so up and down.

I've been thinking a lot about something today and given that I can't sleep, thought I may as well blog about it. It takes my mind from wondering how Kara is momentarily.

During these times ~ by 'these' times, I mean the times when I just don't cope ~ I rely so heavily on the support of others. Funnily enough, a lot of that support comes via this screen and it's what saves me at 3am ~ I can just reread the comments/advice/kind words over and over. Lately though, I've relied A LOT on one friend in particular and today, more than the other days, it hit me just how much :( I then spiral into guilt about that and think how selfish I've been putting all of my sh*t onto somebody who has enough to deal with.

You know, more than anything I want to come to this blog and post about happiness, positive experiences, my gorgeous girl (without tears). I want my old normal to return. I just don't know how to get back to it when Kara is going through what she is. When I am missing her like I am.

I am so grateful for all of the support I get but I am also so sorry that I need to ask for it. I hope my friends understand that.

5 To Go

:(

I cannot believe it's only been two days. There are still 5 to go and it seems like weeks away. Leaving Kara in the circumstances that I did yesterday has just made everything so much harder ~ I suppose that was his intention. To run me into the ground.

I spent today at a friend's house and there were heaps of kids there. In one way, it provided a distraction which I find I need a lot of atm but in another, it's so hard watching them all play and thinking about how Kara is missing out. I just wanted her there so much. She would have loved it. To not know where she is. What she's doing. Who's she's with. If she's ok or if she's down ~ it's just so hard. The moment I get home and think about her, everything just feels like it's sinking. My chest feels a thousand times heavier. I miss her so much but worry about her probably even more.

I tried calling her but as usual, her phone has been turned off. She will only ring me when her father is in the shower or not within earshot ~ I really need to hear her voice. I need to know she's doing ok.

Why does it have to be like this? Why does he have to put me down in front of Kara to build a bond with her? Why does he want me to be so upset knowing it will affect the way I am with my girl? Why did I ever tell him I was pregnant?

I wish I was a stronger person.

Too Much. Too Hard.

Beware, I am not about to post an inspiring paragraph ~ I never do that but today will be even more depressing.

I love my daughter ~ let me start with that. Today I felt like I had to walk away from her when she needed me and I feel awful for it.

Let me also say that this week has been awful. This year has been awful. So much is coming to a head for me and today, I think, has just tipped me a little too far. If it was a one off incident, perhaps I'd be less tragic.

All this year, my beautiful girl has been in a bowling league. We have gone every wednesday night and she loves it. Today was her final game for the year and it was an 'all is welcome' event. The kids played and adults could also, and at the end, the league players got their trophies. For Kara, her first ever trophy.

She's been SO excited. There was a momentary lapse in happiness when she realised she would be with her father for it but she asked if I could go for the trophy presentation and I assured her I would. This was before her prick of a father's threats a couple of weeks back.

Well, I got the the centre and made sure I was well out of the way of Kara and her father and his LIVE IN BABYSITTER (who I have just been told was saying they would leave if I stayed BITCH). I wasn't there to cause trouble ~ I just wanted to be there for the trophy. I was speaking with some friends and up comes God's punishment to man kind. He asked to speak with me and I told him I was in the middle of a conversation, which I was. He then said that if I didn't leave immediately, he would leave and take Kara so she would miss out. I told him to grow up. I reminded him that he has always been invited to events such as today when Kara has been in my care. Always. He walked off.

Minutes later, my friend told me that he was leaving with Kara. She would miss out on her games and her trophy. I've also just been told he had this entire conversation with Kara sitting next to him.

HOW CAN HE BE ALLOWED TO DO THIS

Immediately, I called Kara over and tried to explain to her that I couldn't stay. I did tell her why. The last thing I want is for her to think I am not intersted in her life.

I feel awful. I feel like I can't do this anymore. What kind of a person threatens another with the emotions of their child? To walk away from today and have to leave my daughter with that man and his helper ~ to walk away when Kara wanted me there ~ it kills me. I had no choice though. The last thing I wanted was a scene in front of everybody and in front of Kara.

Do you ever reach a point in your life when you just don't want to continue? You just don't think you'll ever find the energy or drive.

I think I'm there.

It's So Hard.

Kara finished reception today and has gone to her father's house for a week.... it seems like she's already been gone for that long. I miss her so very much and just hope she's a little better than "ok" for the next 6 days. I hope she has fun and the time goes fast for her. I hope with all my being she knows how much I love her and how much I wish I was there to pick her up today ~ it was so difficult not to. She wanted me to go for the 'last reception bell' as she put it but I knew that would mean more tears from her and even worse for her, tears from me.

I will never get used to this ~ never. I hope with all my heart that she does.

I love you to the moon and back sweet girl. xxxx

One More Week

In one week, my girl will complete her first year of school. It has gone soooo fast. With that, comes activity after activity, meaning I've barely had a chance to catch up with the blogging world.

It's also been a rough few weeks and given the amount of negative blogging I've done of late, I thought it best to just stay away lol. Kara goes to her father's for a week next week and to say she's dreading it is a massive understatement. As for me, I need to get through this weekend first. She left crying and telling me she hates her father "so much" yesterday, so it makes the days go so much slower :(

On a positive note however, I have the most amazing support around me at the moment and on days like this, it makes me realise just how lucky I am. Thanks Moo :)

My Princess dancing in the rain at her class party

She's SO cute :)