Merry Christmas

.... and thank you for your constant support this year. You'll never know just what it means.

We've had a very busy week, as most have, and so I thought I'd post some pics. Kara and I have both been very spoilt and tonight, I feel so lucky to have the friends I have. Again, I don't think they know just how much they pull me through atm.

I'm almost scared to enter 2009 because of what it means for Kara but I am quietly hoping that I can do something to avoid more insecurity for her :)

So, here's hoping that you all have had a fantastic Christmas and that you've been able to spend it with somebody you love.

Juz ~ you made Kara's Christmas lol. That letter from Santa was the highlight of her week. She still can't believe she was at the top of the good list and that Santa knew her friends' names and her post code LMAO. It's so nice to have her exhibit so much innocence. Thanks for the link!!

My Princess at Carols by Candlelight ~ reading the words :)

Just after recieving her letter from Santa ~ she was just so so so excited. Adorable.

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Kara begged to open one pressie on Christmas Eve and of course I caved... the Ikea Sagosten Turtle :)

Me and my girl today ~ I look BLAH, hence the black and white :P

I LOVE this photo ~ just because of Kara's excitement. I got her a bowling bawl as she's in a league and she's wanted one all year.

Playing on her keyboard from Santa ~ by far her fav gift.

How Much Is Too Much.

This post won't be as negative as some recent ones ~ I think I'm so drained atm, I can't even feel sad... not during this 10 minutes anyway. I'm so up and down.

I've been thinking a lot about something today and given that I can't sleep, thought I may as well blog about it. It takes my mind from wondering how Kara is momentarily.

During these times ~ by 'these' times, I mean the times when I just don't cope ~ I rely so heavily on the support of others. Funnily enough, a lot of that support comes via this screen and it's what saves me at 3am ~ I can just reread the comments/advice/kind words over and over. Lately though, I've relied A LOT on one friend in particular and today, more than the other days, it hit me just how much :( I then spiral into guilt about that and think how selfish I've been putting all of my sh*t onto somebody who has enough to deal with.

You know, more than anything I want to come to this blog and post about happiness, positive experiences, my gorgeous girl (without tears). I want my old normal to return. I just don't know how to get back to it when Kara is going through what she is. When I am missing her like I am.

I am so grateful for all of the support I get but I am also so sorry that I need to ask for it. I hope my friends understand that.

5 To Go

:(

I cannot believe it's only been two days. There are still 5 to go and it seems like weeks away. Leaving Kara in the circumstances that I did yesterday has just made everything so much harder ~ I suppose that was his intention. To run me into the ground.

I spent today at a friend's house and there were heaps of kids there. In one way, it provided a distraction which I find I need a lot of atm but in another, it's so hard watching them all play and thinking about how Kara is missing out. I just wanted her there so much. She would have loved it. To not know where she is. What she's doing. Who's she's with. If she's ok or if she's down ~ it's just so hard. The moment I get home and think about her, everything just feels like it's sinking. My chest feels a thousand times heavier. I miss her so much but worry about her probably even more.

I tried calling her but as usual, her phone has been turned off. She will only ring me when her father is in the shower or not within earshot ~ I really need to hear her voice. I need to know she's doing ok.

Why does it have to be like this? Why does he have to put me down in front of Kara to build a bond with her? Why does he want me to be so upset knowing it will affect the way I am with my girl? Why did I ever tell him I was pregnant?

I wish I was a stronger person.

Too Much. Too Hard.

Beware, I am not about to post an inspiring paragraph ~ I never do that but today will be even more depressing.

I love my daughter ~ let me start with that. Today I felt like I had to walk away from her when she needed me and I feel awful for it.

Let me also say that this week has been awful. This year has been awful. So much is coming to a head for me and today, I think, has just tipped me a little too far. If it was a one off incident, perhaps I'd be less tragic.

All this year, my beautiful girl has been in a bowling league. We have gone every wednesday night and she loves it. Today was her final game for the year and it was an 'all is welcome' event. The kids played and adults could also, and at the end, the league players got their trophies. For Kara, her first ever trophy.

She's been SO excited. There was a momentary lapse in happiness when she realised she would be with her father for it but she asked if I could go for the trophy presentation and I assured her I would. This was before her prick of a father's threats a couple of weeks back.

Well, I got the the centre and made sure I was well out of the way of Kara and her father and his LIVE IN BABYSITTER (who I have just been told was saying they would leave if I stayed BITCH). I wasn't there to cause trouble ~ I just wanted to be there for the trophy. I was speaking with some friends and up comes God's punishment to man kind. He asked to speak with me and I told him I was in the middle of a conversation, which I was. He then said that if I didn't leave immediately, he would leave and take Kara so she would miss out. I told him to grow up. I reminded him that he has always been invited to events such as today when Kara has been in my care. Always. He walked off.

Minutes later, my friend told me that he was leaving with Kara. She would miss out on her games and her trophy. I've also just been told he had this entire conversation with Kara sitting next to him.

HOW CAN HE BE ALLOWED TO DO THIS

Immediately, I called Kara over and tried to explain to her that I couldn't stay. I did tell her why. The last thing I want is for her to think I am not intersted in her life.

I feel awful. I feel like I can't do this anymore. What kind of a person threatens another with the emotions of their child? To walk away from today and have to leave my daughter with that man and his helper ~ to walk away when Kara wanted me there ~ it kills me. I had no choice though. The last thing I wanted was a scene in front of everybody and in front of Kara.

Do you ever reach a point in your life when you just don't want to continue? You just don't think you'll ever find the energy or drive.

I think I'm there.

It's So Hard.

Kara finished reception today and has gone to her father's house for a week.... it seems like she's already been gone for that long. I miss her so very much and just hope she's a little better than "ok" for the next 6 days. I hope she has fun and the time goes fast for her. I hope with all my being she knows how much I love her and how much I wish I was there to pick her up today ~ it was so difficult not to. She wanted me to go for the 'last reception bell' as she put it but I knew that would mean more tears from her and even worse for her, tears from me.

I will never get used to this ~ never. I hope with all my heart that she does.

I love you to the moon and back sweet girl. xxxx

One More Week

In one week, my girl will complete her first year of school. It has gone soooo fast. With that, comes activity after activity, meaning I've barely had a chance to catch up with the blogging world.

It's also been a rough few weeks and given the amount of negative blogging I've done of late, I thought it best to just stay away lol. Kara goes to her father's for a week next week and to say she's dreading it is a massive understatement. As for me, I need to get through this weekend first. She left crying and telling me she hates her father "so much" yesterday, so it makes the days go so much slower :(

On a positive note however, I have the most amazing support around me at the moment and on days like this, it makes me realise just how lucky I am. Thanks Moo :)

My Princess dancing in the rain at her class party

She's SO cute :)