Too Much. Too Hard.

Beware, I am not about to post an inspiring paragraph ~ I never do that but today will be even more depressing.

I love my daughter ~ let me start with that. Today I felt like I had to walk away from her when she needed me and I feel awful for it.

Let me also say that this week has been awful. This year has been awful. So much is coming to a head for me and today, I think, has just tipped me a little too far. If it was a one off incident, perhaps I'd be less tragic.

All this year, my beautiful girl has been in a bowling league. We have gone every wednesday night and she loves it. Today was her final game for the year and it was an 'all is welcome' event. The kids played and adults could also, and at the end, the league players got their trophies. For Kara, her first ever trophy.

She's been SO excited. There was a momentary lapse in happiness when she realised she would be with her father for it but she asked if I could go for the trophy presentation and I assured her I would. This was before her prick of a father's threats a couple of weeks back.

Well, I got the the centre and made sure I was well out of the way of Kara and her father and his LIVE IN BABYSITTER (who I have just been told was saying they would leave if I stayed BITCH). I wasn't there to cause trouble ~ I just wanted to be there for the trophy. I was speaking with some friends and up comes God's punishment to man kind. He asked to speak with me and I told him I was in the middle of a conversation, which I was. He then said that if I didn't leave immediately, he would leave and take Kara so she would miss out. I told him to grow up. I reminded him that he has always been invited to events such as today when Kara has been in my care. Always. He walked off.

Minutes later, my friend told me that he was leaving with Kara. She would miss out on her games and her trophy. I've also just been told he had this entire conversation with Kara sitting next to him.

HOW CAN HE BE ALLOWED TO DO THIS

Immediately, I called Kara over and tried to explain to her that I couldn't stay. I did tell her why. The last thing I want is for her to think I am not intersted in her life.

I feel awful. I feel like I can't do this anymore. What kind of a person threatens another with the emotions of their child? To walk away from today and have to leave my daughter with that man and his helper ~ to walk away when Kara wanted me there ~ it kills me. I had no choice though. The last thing I wanted was a scene in front of everybody and in front of Kara.

Do you ever reach a point in your life when you just don't want to continue? You just don't think you'll ever find the energy or drive.

I think I'm there.