I'm sitting here with so much going through my head, so given I hardly blog anymore, I thought I'd just blog twice today instead. Maybe typing random things down will help. Maybe it will just make me more upset.
On days like today, when everything feels so hard, I tend to think about so many other things that are happening in my life. I shouldn't, because everything seems so negative but my thoughts just go there. I think about how little, financially, I have. I think about how I have no career since walking away from it when Kara was born. I think about how I wish to parent Kara, and of how for half of her life, I have no say about how she is parented. I think about how very alone I feel at these times. How there seems to be nobody, especially close friends, who understand where I'm at and how hard the past few years have been. How hard the present is. How hard it is to watch my girl be sad and feel so powerless. I realise just how very alone I truly am and it scares me. Especially on days like this. I wonder how things will ever change. I wonder if things will ever change.
All I want is happiness really. Foremost for my girl but then some for me too. I don't want to be so negative. I don't want to need my friends and feel like this when they're not there, for whatever reason. I just don't want to feel this anymore.
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4 comments:
Hi Vanessa,
It's me again. :) It must be very hard to feel so alone when you're going through so much. I'm not a single mother but I have many friends that are and I've seen first hand how difficult it is to raise their children. Especially the parent-sharing thing and financial aspect. My husband and I don't agree on how to parent, I shudder to think what life would be like if we got divorced.
The only thing I can say from watching all of those friends as their kids got older is that things do change. Eventually. I don't know how encouraging this is but there really is an end in sight. So hang in there girl. As I said before, we're all here to lift you up through all the hard times and while your girl is away.
Much love from NJ,
Sue
Oh Vanessa ~ it could almost be me writing the words you have written in this post ~ I understand ~ I am right there with you ~ it is so hard at times my friend. I have days where everything seems so awful ~ but there are brighter days ahead too!!
Thinking of you ~ Take care and from a Mummy that totally know and understands ~ be strong ~ stay strong and keep smiling!!!
Love to you ~ Tabitha XXXXXXX
Thank you so much for your constant support guys...thank goodness for online friends I say.
Tabitha, I can't express what it means to have somebody understand... to not judge what I am feeling. Yesterday was such a difficult day and the people around me just don't get it. You really do feel trapped in your own little world. There seems to be an expectation that I should be able to deal with what's happening by now, given that it's been 10 months since the hearing. Never will I get used to seeing my daughter sad. Never.
I know I have been MIA but I think of you and of kara and I get how hard it would be to have to hand her over.
I hope these eight days go by quickly and you hang in there.
Much loves,
Dxxx
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