Six Years Ago

I made a promise.

I looked into the most amazing little face.
I promised her I would protect her.
No matter what.
I promised her I would be there for her.
No matter what.
I promised her I would love her unconditionally.
No matter what.

Today I hurt so much for her.

I can't protect her.
I can't be there for her.
I of course love her unconditionally.

I'm so sorry baby.

I would do anything to keep all three promises.
Tears pour from me knowing I can't.
I just want my happy girl back.
I just want you to have your security back.

Never did I think we would be here.
In this space.
How can he do this?
And how is it allowed?

I'll keep trying Kara.

I'll never stop.

I promise.

x

And the Reason Is?

People often say everything happens for a reason. I've always had a problem with this saying. I disagree. I think there are some things that need not happen and the world would continue spinning in a more positive way.

So, where am I going with this? Three guesses.

Yes, I'm a broken record but this blog allows me to release so that's what I'm doing.

I've had a series of email exchanges with Kara's father tonight. Pointless really. They only ever validate what I think about him. He's a toe hair. He's selfish. He constantly attempts to lessen the bond I have with Kara. He is a waste of space. His new demand. I am not to attend anything that Kara has on when she is in his care. If I do, he won't take her. He is a massive control freak and he is threatened by the relationship we have. Don't get me wrong ~ I'm in no hurry to join social gatherings that he's at. BUT if my daughter has a school event, concert, party or whatever, why should her mother not be a part of that? How can 'shared parenting' work with such ludicrous demands? As much as I despise this man, I have always made a massive effort at events that we have both attended.

For two years I have tried to see the importance of Kara spending time with her father. I have read articles. I have spoken to other fathers ~ both nuclear and single. I have seeked professional advise to help Kara and myself deal with the massive changes that are occurring. I try to be positive about it all. Truly, I do.

But then he does what he does. He speaks me down to her. He makes her feel uncomfortable about phoning her Mum. He goes out of his way to paint me in a negative light to Kara. She, fortunately, sees through it all but it still hurts.

In the coming months, Kara will spend more time at her father's than ever before. She is extremely apprehensive about it all. She asks why it has to happen when he's not even there ~ why she just can't stay home with me. WHAT do I tell her? How do I tell my girl it's important for her to go even if her father won't be with her?

I miss my daughter so much. I worry about her even more. I keep hoping that she's already molded into the gorgeous person that she is and his influence will be minimal. I hope that whatever thoughts he throws at her won't break the bond we have.

I'm so scared.

Better Late Than Never

:(

I feel SO bad and have for a few days. It was the divine Em's birthday last Saturday, and whilst I thought of her all day, I got caught up in Kara's party preparations and forgot to blog that night. I wasn't going to blog after that, thinking I would look like a d*ck posting too late, but Em told me she like's d*cks, so here is the post LMAO.

Seriously though Em ~ I know you're birthday absolutely sucked but I'm glad you had a great night before it. I'm also glad the blogging world has made us cross paths ~ you're beautiful in every way and I can't wait to smuggle cocktails into Lollipops :P

Happy Belated Birthday!!!!

xxx

Gulp

I know ~ I brag about Kara a lot. There are many reasons for it though. Sure, she's not perfect (to anybody else) but to me, she is. She's precious. She's amazing. She's full of beauty.

A worry of mine (at times) is that I overcompensate for what she has to go through. I buy her most of what she wants out of guilt. It's so difficult not to. When you've just watched your 6 year old cry for an hour because she doesn't like what's happening in her life, you tend to spoil her. When she announces she's 6 and soon people will listen to her and she'll have choices, you just want to crumble on the spot (because you know what she's referring to). I do anyway. It rips me apart and I hope, every single day, that this part of normal for Kara will one day be gone.

Yesterday, my girl came up to me, spontaneously. She sat on my lap, hugged me and kissed me. She then said, with a tear in her eye, "Mummy, you're so much better than any present or the money I just got for my birthday. You're the best gift and I'm so glad I've got you". She said it with so much meaning.

Kara comes out with some pretty insightful things at times but that pulled tears from my eyes ~ there was no holding back that time.

If only she knew she was the gift.

I wanted to post a pic of us and in this, I'm covered in makeup so it's a good one lol.

All About Kara

Well yesterday was :)

I am sooooo exhausted. Friday, Saturday and half of Sunday was spent cooking and organising and preparing the backyard for thunderstorms ~ fortunately, it came early and by about 9 am, the weather was perfect!!!

For the first part of Kara's party, the kids bounced, glued and built sand castles. They filled themselves with sugar and that made them bounce some more :P

Then, the animals arrived. We had a snake, a lizard, sugar gliders, a possum, a rabbit, a ferret and a green treefrog. The snake, by far, was the hit of the day. Most of the kids had him wrapped around their necks and slithering on their faces... it's so adorable. I'm a bit disappointed with my pics ~ I seem to be getting worse rather than better lol.

I'm feeling so flat today. Kara had a massive melt down today and I ended up having to take her home from school because her father was picking her up. It just leaves me feeling so helpless as her mother. I know I sound like a broken record but I'm having one of those downers tonight. Kara got so many divine presents but I just wish I could give her the one thing she so desperately wants ~ her stability back.

The mask she made.....



I've been telling her there was no way she'd get a Wii before Christmas.....

6 Years Ago

... I was in agony lmao. I was 19 hours away from holding who was to become the most important being ever to enter my world. I loved Kara while I was pregnant, but to hold her and look at her was a moment that only other mummies could appreciate. I just cannot believe she will turn 6 tomorrow.

To my baby girl.....

I type this with tears in my eyes ~ happy ones of course. You are and you always will be, the most important person in my world. You're beautiful inside and out ~ your face melts my heart and your intelligence blows me away daily. You have it all plus some Kara and all Mummy hopes for you is that you grow into a happy and healthy woman that has it all! I love you to the moon and back and I hope that tomorrow (even if there is a thunderstorm), is what you're expecting and more.

Happy last day of being 5 ~ I love you sooooo much.

xxx