My guess is you know where there is heading.....
I am being quite serious though ~ have you ever truly hated a person. Have you ever just thought of a person and thought nothing but ill feelings ~ nothing but harm toward them?
I thought I had previously. There was a man in my life who I truly despised (and still do). I didn't think I could dislike anybody more than he but then Kara's father stepped up a gear.
I have a friend who thinks it's awful to feel such a way toward another human being and I suppose she is right. It's not a good way to be BUT how do you lessen it? How do you think about somebody who you would literally like to see under a bus in a positive light? Maybe not even a positive light ~ just not such a negative one? How do you do this when you honestly see nothing but negativity when you think, see or hear of them? How do you not hate a person who hurts your child?
I know I will never forgive Kara's father for what he has put us through. I will never be able to forget the hurt he has caused my child, all because of his "right". I don't think I could keep up this amount of hatred for him either, not without it running me into the ground. So how do I get rid of it? I often think that maybe it will ease when he starts putting Kara first but he just doesn't. He is a manipulating, controlling, selfish prick and if I ever am going to feel differently about him, it's going to take a lot of work.
She has just left for an extended weekend because it's a public holiday here and it's his right ~ it doesn't matter that she still hates 2 nights. I will probably reread this later and think WTF did I type that for LOL but it's what I'm feeling right now and I need to release a little.......
When all of this court stuff is over, I am going to do something in the field which helps others in our situation. I have no idea how but I will do something ~ something needs to change these new legislations because my child is being used as a guinea pig.
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You have asked "How do I get rid of it?" Do you really want to hear the answer? The answer is, accept it.
Kara's father will be a part of her life for a long time to come. Accept that and it will be easier for you.
She is his child too whether you like it or not. He wants to see her and be a part of her life. If he didn't he wouldn't bother taking you to court so he could get access.
He isn't going to suddenly change his mind about seeing her so the sooner you accept it and turn it into a positive for Kara the better off you will all be.
Instead of moping around when Kara isn't with you, take the time to recharge and do things that you enjoy for you. Help yourself to grow as a person which only benefits Kara in the long run.
Be positive about the new experiences she is having when with her father - they help her to grow into a well rounded person.
You don't have to share every single thing with your child. They don't need to be tied to your hip until they are 18. They can have fun and learn without you and you need to be able to foster that in Kara.
You need to accept that this is the way your life has turned out and be positive about it.
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
Before responding to some of these comments, I would like to know who they are from. They can't possibly be from somebody who knows Dan and if they are, they are obviously influnced by his dilutions.
Dan is a game player. Dan is a control freak. Dan isn't doing this for Kara, trust me.
I can't help myself Anonymous.....
I will start by saying you have jumped to many conclusions ~ either you have met these of your own accord or you have met with the pig himself.
"You have asked "How do I get rid of it?" Do you really want to hear the answer? The answer is, accept it.
Kara's father will be a part of her life for a long time to come. Accept that and it will be easier for you."
I can accept he is part of her life ~ I cannot accept the influence he has on her life because I see his influence as being detrimental to her development, not supportive of it. I cannot accept the way he expects her to adapt to his needs and his life.
I sure do hope he isn’t part of her life for a long time to come ~ one can dream. There are a lot of cars and buses in Adelaide :P
"She is his child too whether you like it or not. He wants to see her and be a part of her life. If he didn't he wouldn't bother taking you to court so he could get access".
She is not 'his' child. I cannot even say she is 'my' child. If I do, I am accused of being possessive. That is just it. He sees her as his child and as his right. What about her right to do things at her pace? He took 3 years (and waited until he met somebody to share the load) before taking any responsibility. He claims he didn’t, but he did. He then expects her to adapt at his rate.
Yes he would bother going to court. He threatened that he would do that if he didn’t get exactly what he wanted. He is a massive manipulating, control freak.
"He isn't going to suddenly change his mind about seeing her so the sooner you accept it and turn it into a positive for Kara the better off you will all be.
Instead of moping around when Kara isn't with you, take the time to recharge and do things that you enjoy for you. Help yourself to grow as a person which only benefits Kara in the long run".
I am not saying don’t want him to see Kara. You seem to think you know a lot about our situation when in fact, you most likely do not. I CONSTANTLY tell my daughter that her father loves her. She asks me "why, if Daddy loves me, does he hurt my feelings so much?" "Why does Daddy never listen to my feelings?". I always have to paint him in a positive light to make it easy for Kara, so don't accuse me of doing otherwise.
I don’t mope around when my child is gone. I use the time and do things ~ a lot of things. I do worry about her though. I do worry about her well being, the influence he has on her. I worry about her because of things SHE says. I worry about her because I know him.
"Be positive about the new experiences she is having when with her father - they help her to grow into a well rounded person".
Excuse me? And you know what those experiences are? And you know that he is helping her grow into a well rounded person? My child has only had one negative thing in her life and that is the stress he has inflicted.
"You don't have to share every single thing with your child. They don't need to be tied to your hip until they are 18. They can have fun and learn without you and you need to be able to foster that in Kara.
You need to accept that this is the way your life has turned out and be positive about it".
I know and appreciate that. As a single mother, I have always encouraged Kara has time away from me ~ with people whom can be trusted. This is not about kara not being with me. This is about Kara being forced into situations she is not ready for as a result of HIS needs. I will never accept him as part of my life. I cannot wait until he is not.
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
God. I never have been a great believer. I still DO have time to change what is happening. I won’t stop until I know I have done all I can for my daughter. I will never forgive myself for making this man a part of my child’s life. He never wanted to be part of her life and I should have left it at that. He is the biggest mistake I have ever made.
By all means, give your comments but don't assume you know all the pieces to the picture. I am not saying Kara shouldn't have time with her father. I accept that is the way it is but he should not govern how and when that time happens. It shouldn't be all about him.
I still hate him :P
As someone who is close to this situation and knows V & K very well let me just say that V has accepted the situation. If she hadn't she would be in another state/country by now!! It is one thing to accept a situation and another entirely to sit back and let someone else decide the course of your/your daughter's life. I don't know if it's possible to change the way you feel about someone like Dan, but at the very least I know that V is doing everything she can to make all of Kara's experiences as tolerable as possible - and as safe and comfortable as Kara needs. And by this I mean in her dealings with the court as well as in everyday life. As someone who is also a single parent I dread that the day that could come where my son's father walks back into our lives and decides he has a right to see him. I agree he has that right legally but morally he has no right to disrupt the life we have made without him. Soldier on dearest V - we're with you all the way!! XOXO
THANK YOU Tanya xxxxxxx
You may not appreciate how much that post means to me tonight but I think you have some idea.
V, anybody who knows you or knows even a little bit about you will know that you were more than happy for kara's father to have involvement in her life, in fact you thought it was good for Kara and encouraged and nurtured the relationship, many times putting aside your personal feelings, all for a greater good. That of course being Kara's emotional well being.
As a mother I have some understanding about how difficult this past year has been, I would have felt exactly the same way as you have. I personally could not give a roving rats arse what anyone says, my children are my world and I would do anything to protect them from any sort of harm, most mothers would.
For anyone who reads what V has posted tonight, before you respond take a little time to sit down, and think about the enormous sense of powerlessness and heartache you would feel at seeing your small child clearly articulate thier distress at being forced into a situation which they are at the very least uncomfortable with, a situation which probably in many ways is still very frightening for Kara.
It makes me very sad at how unhappy you are, I wish I had something to say to you to ease your pain or to make it even a little bit better for you. I don't have any answers for you, I do however believe you will get through it and come out a better person for it.
"I wish I had something to say to you to ease your pain or to make it even a little bit better for you"
You have and you just said it. xx
hi Vanessa,
There is one question I always have for people in your situation and unfortunately i have known a few. The question is: How on earth did you hook with this guy in the first place?LOL!
I apologise in advance if i have overstepped the mark, i am just curious.
Shayne
I forgot to say, just try to have a good long weekend. This situation is and will make you stronger.
Shayne
LMAO Shayne :)
I met Dan at university ~ I was an Honours student and he the manager of the teaching facility there. Goes to show that a degree doesn't mean your intelligent LMAO ~ if that was the case, I would have run in the other direction!!!!
Ironically, I had just come out of a court case for something which had happened to me when I was a teenager and after 12 months of that, I let my hair down a little so to speak. In hindsight, Dan saw that and sucked me in BIG TIME. I made my own choices of course but he is a real charmer and has a way to manipulate anybody he speaks with. I fell for it. A few months later, I found out he was sleeping with 2 other women (one a 'friend') and the week after that, I found out I was pregnant.
I have no regrets about having my girl ~ she is the most divine little person I could have ever hoped for.
You're right though ~ this will make me stronger. I know there are people who are of the opinion that I am over reacting (anonymous....) but as Ali said, there's nothing worse than watching your child hurt ~ no matter what form that hurt comes in. If I'm over reacting, then so be it.
xx
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