I write this post hesitantly, as I know there are bloggers out there who judge me on my weakness. But, it is how I'm feeling, whether it be admirable or not and this is my blog, so off I go....
I know there are so many people out there with problems which far exceed my own. I know (and hate that) there are mums out there without their babies in their lives. I know that I'm one of the luckiest people to have Kara in my life.
But I also know what it's like to slowly have your time with your child cut short, bit by bit. And I hate it. Knowing that in less than 18 months, I won't see my girl for a week at a time is too much to take in. I just don't know how to cope when I have 'dips' like the one I'm in. Usually I just ignore that it will happen, but sometimes it hits me hard.
For the past few weeks, Kara has been somewhat distant. She's been nasty, argumentative and just generally answering back ~ constantly. All of this, I know, is normal for a five year old. I understand that ~ I don't like it, but I understand it. But when I express my concern with her father and he tells me she's been angelic and over affectionate, alarm bells ring. Everybody keeps saying it's because she's most comfortable at home ~ she even says "I always have to be nice, so I let my nastiness out with you because I'm more comfortable". Most of the time I almost 'appreciate' that but at the moment, I just want my little girl back.
So in a nutshell, I'm feeling so bad. I'm losing the baby I brought into the world and I'm missing her so much. Some days it feels so overwhelmingly difficult ~ like I've already 'lost' her to him. I know how manipulative he is and I know he's working on her. I also know that I have to keep it together for Kara's sake but at the moment, I'm failing.
All I want is to be my girl's mum. I don't want her left with others when I am here to care for her. It all feels so very wrong.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10 comments:
Well Vanessa I dont judge you at all!
I cannot imagine what my life would be like if suddenly I didnt have access to my children all day everyday (like you have), nor can I imagine what is like for those families whose children are lost to them forever. It is too awful to imagine. And I might add, a little insensitive for some poelple to compare the two.
I can't say I know how you feel because I couldnt possibly.
Yes Kara is a normal five year old but she is also a five year old dealing with huge changes! I would have hoped her father would have had more sense than not to try and at least empathise with you instead of lame point scoring.
One day it will all fall into place Vanessa and you will wonder where the time went and what you were worried about-until then vent my friend and lean when ever you feel the need. You are stronger than you think.
Take care
Meganxxx
Well said Megan.
It's hard. I know how down you are. Ihat little "my bum is too big in jeans" email gave that away (yeah right...I wish my bum was as "large" as your's!!!).
I don't know what to advise you, my friend. Kids can be little shits at the best of times, let alone when they are moving between two homes and being "wooed".
Just stay true to your parenting beliefs. You are a fabulous mum. No matter how difficult and argumentative she is with you, just take a deep breath, and stay true.
She may not appreciate you all the time now, but she will. She will.
Love
Jane
Vanessa ~ I would never ever judge you either and I can totally understand why you feel the way that you do. Lauren is just the same with me ~ she can be a right little madam at times and then when her Daddy visits, she is an angel!! I know that the situation must get to you and I just hope and pray that it never actually happens!!
You are a great Mum ~ that is obvious from the beautiful smiling photos of your sweet girl.
Be strong ~ keep smiling !!
Sending love and hugs to you and Kara,
Take care ~ love Tabitha XXX
Hi Vanessa,
I haven't commented before, but I've stopped by your blog from time to time.
I just wanted to say, as a step-mum, I have experienced the talking back at "dad's place" too, and the opposite, with the kid acting like an angel with us and then being a shit with his mum. I think when kids move between two homes there is a transitional phase where they just need to work out for themselves how both homes "work". My now nineteen-year-old stepson from time to time needed reminding even when he was sixteen that some rules were different to his mum and her husband's rules. Usually he would be a dream to be around (and still is), and I love him to bits, but the day(s) after he came back to us from his mum's (and the same thing happened at her place she told us), would be the days when (if at all) he'd kick up a stink. After that he was usually very settled and happy. I think it's just their way of adapting to their respective homes. He stayed 50/50 at his mum's and at our place.
I don't know if this helped, or if it is just gobbledegook on your comments page - lol - but I just wanted to say that, speaking from experience, with time it gets easier for the kid and they handle the transition better.
:-)
Oh hugs Vanessa.
I can't write anything better than what people have so far.
So I will just say..
"thinking of you"
Hugs
Justine
xo
hi, vanessa...
i read your blog for the first time, today. i, personally, cannot even begin to understand what you are having to endure.
however, one of my best friends went through the same thing several years ago.
looking at it from a distance, i could see that the custody fight was so bitter because both were afraid they'd lose. i could also see (i don't know if this is true for your situation) that my friend's husband was fighting for something he really didn't even want... responsibility.
anyway, long story short... she backed off, and once he got what he thought he wanted and saw that it wasn't hurting her. he became VERY lax in seeing to it that he got HIS TIME.
their little girl stays away from home with her dad now maybe one night every other week. i hope that it will work out that way for you, too:)
i will certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers...
hugs,
dani (ky:us)
Oh Vanessa,
what kind of world do we live in? There should be no reason for you to have written this post hesitantly, if people are reading this to judge you in a down moment then they should bugger off and get a life. And yep, I've no doubt there are people out there with even bigger problems, but honey, yours is a biggy!
I personally don't know how your not having constant panic attacks with the worry of it all, I would be. Ok now I've made you feel worse!!
Have you spoken to Kara's teacher? I think they really change the year they start school too. It's like the first time they really take in outside influences and things. It can be so tiring and daunting for them it can turn them into demons.
As for the Dad, you know my thoughts on him, what a shit, it's not tit for tat, it's his daughters life and feelings he should be trying to ease, not intensify!
Anyway....let it all out and vent away, if people have a problem with it what the hell are they doing reading in the first place?
Thanking of you and hoping your weeks improving..
Em
Big Hugs. I am sure he is probably stretching the truth a bit. Poor thing is just frustrated and is taking out on the person that she loves the most.
Sue xx
thank you for your sweet words on my blog.
as far as what you are experiencing... i am so sorry. i can't imagine. part of me wonders when aaron jr is going to start knowing what has happened in his own life and starts acting up because of his own grief finally showing.
i am so sorry for the troubles you are having and i hope they begin to subside. i am sure it has nothing to do with your mothering skills... no one can understand what a child is feeling inside when they are put in certain situations.
i have twin nephews. my brother and their mother are divorced and it has been interesting to me to see the difference in how each of the twins coped and continue to cope with the situation. it is proof to me that every child reacts differently... even these twins who went through the exact same thing with the exact same parents.
i hope your sweet little girl comes around and sees how much you care for her and she will appreciate it when she understands it. she will. keep on keeping on.
thinking of you...
Thank you SO much to all of you... for not judging and for all of your positive and encouraging comments.
I suppose I still live in hope that one day, he will put what Kara wants/needs first and not what HE is entitled to. She deserves to have stability and happiness without having to feel that she's constantly pulled away from her home. I do hope it gets easier for her but if it doesn't, well off to court we will be going .... again.
Thanks again everybody.
(and Leslie ~ you amaze me.... to be able to offer such support when you're living through what you are can only come from a very special person. Love to you...)
Post a Comment